A quest to understand who I really am

Musings.

2007-11-12T17:57:00.001-08:00

Wise show a narrow winding path into the woods and claim that it leads to heaven. When I look into their eyes and ask again, they say that you told them.
But they are sure that I shall go to hell when I die if I do not walk their chosen path.
They tell me you shall inflict terrible punishment on me if I do not obey.
Where shall I seek heaven, when you are everywhere;
Verily this world becomes hell when I don't see you here.
Lord! I am not schooled enough to be afraid of you.
I utter your name in joy as a child calls its mother purposelessly.
I do not desire to barter a life in heaven with your place in my heart, dear friend.
I seek no forgiveness for my sins my Lord!
I want nothing in return as there is nothing I own.
What can I give you, the one who created the worlds; Even these thoughts belong to you.
In the moments of silent solitude, you show me glimpses of your majestic vastness.
Yet, in a childish attempt, I sing your glory like a lamp in the sun.
I wonder if this offering colored with prejudice, wickedness and coldness of heart is worth a place in your home.
Smiling innocently you whisper that this world is in your home and tell me to move on feeling your presence in every step of this journey.
Jignasu

Nostalgia?

2007-08-14T18:15:00.000-07:00

Tomorrow... It is 60th year of Indian independence. It also marks four years since I came to this country. Lot has changed. Back then, I was witnessing the growing IT revolution first hand. As another one of millions of confident Indian youth striving to do something, I still remember the mail from our CEO announcing that TCS breached the $1 billion revenue mark. Now their revenues are four times that figure and employee base three times as large. Urban India is witnessing unprecedented growth rates, at the same time distance between cities and villages is growing. In the mean time, we have seen two successful GSLV launches while Antrix ventures into commercial satellite launching business. Away from the limelight, numerous Indians,... software engineers in Bangalore to Tea garden workers in Assam go about their daily livestrying to meet their aspirations. It is they, the people who make this miracle that is India today. Unassuming people, who never utter catchy slogans on the television but toil to better their lives and those of people around them. The great nation is slowly shaking off its deep slumber of a millennium to wake up to its original glory of a strong and benevolent nation.
There is one unmistakable shift in the attitudes of people today..an earlier generation was cautious...content with a university degree and a govt. job. But todays generation is not. I was pleasantly surprised to find a definite purpose in the voices of many young men and women. Confident in their capabilities, they reach for the best. And this bodes well for a young nation.
We have a lot to accomplish and obstacles are indeed immense. It is a fitting challenge to a country where the sages proclaimed: Be strong- physically, mentally and spiritually. And I am confident we shall overcome.
@
[Originally written on 14th aug,2007]

Everyone is unique

2007-08-14T17:56:00.000-07:00

Some of the most profound insights can come from the most ordinary experiences. Looking at the world, I always marvel its uniqueness. The only similarity between all of us seems to be the our uniqueness. The world is different to every person, animal and all other living things. Our world view is unique....There is no one in the world who has the same experience as I have. it is true for me just as it is true for everyone else. I had known (or rather read ) the uniqueness of our being. ..yet this wisdom eluded me for long as I never experienced it.
It was during a stretch in a martial arts class, the realization dawned on me. That regardless of physical and mental proximity, how unique our worlds are. There was nothing special about the circumstances. I had been through the same place many times. But it was different and wonderful. What did it change? I am not sure. But I can at least see the impossibility of one faith or idea that could work for everyone. This I hope will help me in trying to understand others from their perspective and cease to be judgmental.
Jignasu

Musician

2007-06-30T08:02:00.000-07:00

While you played the heavenly song on this piece of reed, I was lost in your song of life. I thought the piece of dead wood to be the source your music, that enchants the world. You paused between the notes. Somewhere in the silence between the notes, I realized that it is your breath that transforms a reed into a flute. It didn't last long. You being ever playful, started the music again. And we start this game of hide and seek again.
@

Song

2007-06-23T18:01:00.000-07:00

Holding you in my heart, a song came forth for you. The song floated as the spring time scent in the air. Gladding the heart as the swaying flowers in bright sunshine. Cheerful as a mountain stream, they came...the words of my song for you. The tune was set by the nightingales and chorus by the countless chirping birds.
The night carried the song in the scent of jasmine. Delicate as the lightning and deep as the rumble that follows it. ..it looked beautiful.
Now that you are here, I cannot sing it anymore. I stringed and unstringed the instrument to set the tune right. My voice is hoarse and hands shaky. But there are birds, spring time air and the mountain stream still flows. Listen to my song in silence. If in doubt, listen to it through my eyes that linger for a few extra moments before they look away from your eyes.
@

I wrote this after reading Rabindranath Tagore's Poem:
http://www.geocities.com/n-halder/pages/tagore/song006.htm?200723

Animal Planet and Shankara.

2007-03-31T08:22:00.000-07:00

The documentary on Animal planet showed how the great migration takes place every year on the plains of Africa. There it focused on a calf that could not make the crossing, which the mother wilder beast could . The lonely calf, stuck on the wrong side of the river, was trying to be a friend with the lonely deer which also had lost its mother on the river crossing. There were hungry cheetahs that were lurking nearby. The mother watched for her calf on the other side of the river and when she could not find it among the teeming masses that crossed...it did the seemingly unthinkable. It actually crossed the river again looking for here calf, braving the powerful crocodiles waiting to pounce on her. (Finally they both make it to the other side, after a brief encounter with a cheetah)

The other day, I watched a child in a railway station. the child was playing with something at a distance from her mother. Soon, with a thundering noise, a train came on to another platform. The child both confused and afraid, left all the toys and ran back to her mother and held on to her.

I was reminded of the meaning of a hymn that Adi Shankaracharya had written in the praise of divine mother .
He said," O mother, there are bad children in this world but a bad mother..the world has seen none."
In another verse,
"O mother! I do not know any sacred chants nor do I perform any holy rituals. I am not well versed in the philosophical intricacies or the language of the intelligent. I just know that whenever I face difficulties, whenever I am afraid, I can run to you with outstretched hands and you will protect."
I think I had a fleeting glimpse of the depths in these verses of shankara.
@

Life.. does it hint at something?

2007-03-31T07:36:00.000-07:00

The bus sped through the beautiful landscape ad0rned with colorful flowers, the flock of geese flying across sky with dark but enchanting clouds. There is a lot of different variety of life around me, right from the microscopic ones to giants...everyone of them unique in their own way. Complete understanding of such diversity and scope of this kaleidoscope of life is beyond my capabilities...I am like that proverbial blind man judging an elephant.
Each and every form of life around me has some ability that makes their place so special in world they live in...Be it the ultraviolet vision in bees or the sensory system in a hammer head whale that can detect a billionth of a volt or the flight dynamics of a fly which confounds and is the envy of all aerospace engineers or the extremely well organized societies of the ants and termites.

Yes, they all play an important role in their ecosystems and are integral parts of the ecosystem...and I think I understand their importance from a biology point of view. But I wonder in a more philosophical way(in my thinking at least!) as to what is their place in this world? What exactly is the place of humans in relation to each of them?

I do not think that they are inferior to us in any way or less evolved nor do I think that we can justify their existence as being there to serve us or meet our needs. I see in them perfection of many kinds. Each of them looks as an example of perfection of some facet of life... some can see what we cannot, while others can hear what we cannot. But amongst all of the life, perhaps humans are the only ones with a mind that can perceive this and yet have a body that is utterly incapable of matching any of these amazing abilities. Perhaps we are watching the divinity inherent in each one of us from different perspective at a time. Perhaps through this knowledge of parts, we may try to comprehend the whole. Just as Kathopanshad says,
Neither by the light of sun nor the moon does it shine*.
Lightening is not the source of its light, then what to speak of fire.
It alone shines and all others reflect that light.
Indeed by its light alone everything in this creation shines.
That source of light, that wisdom of the whole may the quest. And this wonderful creation, play of life is just a divine hint for us to realize that divinity in ourselves and others.
@
*Shine is a poor translation of what the verse actually says. The exact word 'bhaati' has many meanings in sanskrit and I do not know its english equivalent.

Digital Duality

2007-02-22T22:58:00.000-08:00

"You are either with us or with them", thunders a president.
"Non believers shall die" says a fanatic.
"God is supposed to do good, how can you justify existence of god when there is so much evil?" asks another agnostic friend.
The problem as anyone can recognize with little thought is not as much in not being able to finding answers to these questions. It actually lies in the way the questions themselves are posed. Everything when seen in terms of a digital reality..a hard Yes or No, good vs evil, believer vs non believer hides the kaleidoscope of colors that creation is. It fails to distinguish the subtle shades of dawn from the night that it follows and the day it precedes. As I read somewhere, light and darkness are not two opposite concepts. Darkness is not an independent entity. It is just the absence of light. Just as silence an absence of sound. Cold an absence of heat.
Perhaps this was the reason why the sages of yesteryears compared knowledge to light. Ignorance just as darkness is absence of knowledge. And curiously enough, light, heat and sound are all various forms of energy. And knowledge is power.
Then why do we all see this duality? Why can't our knowledge of these concepts give us the supreme bliss of nonduality?
Engineer in me points that man is critically dependent on senses to perceive the world. His very existence is defined by the senses that create the perception of the world around him. But then the senses are just like any other sensors we build. Every sensor has a limit of detection. Below or above that threshold it cannot detect any change. Therefore, even thought we live in a continuum we perceive things in a dualistic way after a point. We see things as light and dark, sounds and silence, right or wrong whereas in reality none of these differences exist on any scale.
Perhaps this is what is meant by the vedantic tradition that insists that the existence of man is dependent on his perception of dualism. The moment it ceases, he ceases to exist. Perhaps the quest is to go to the find the horizon where the dualism meets the non dualistic ocean of bliss.
@

Where am I going?

2007-02-09T21:12:00.000-08:00

As I drive on the flatlands of Midwest at night, and listen to a song about travel I am carried away.
The song talks of a traveler lost on a long journey. It talks of the futility of running away from ones own fears, searching in temples for peace while all that could be found there is just a mirage. The oasis of peace is in the mind it says.
I agree..
@

Birthday

2007-02-09T20:30:00.000-08:00

The hotel lobby was almost empty . It would have been a surprise if it was otherwise. Being in a small town of few hundred people, the hotel mostly saw travelers staying for the night. Despite the chill outside, there was a freshness that the early morning snow brought to the cold air. As I walked in to have a cup of coffee, the only people there were the woman and the child in the children's chair. I poured some coffee (despite everything, coffee has caffeine in it , one of essential nutrients for any academic..so I needed my daily dose in the absence of my tea) , put bread in the toaster and as I waited I couldn't help from overhearing the woman talking to her baby.
Happy birthday girl, happy birthday...she was trying to sing to her. The child clapped her hands and thumped the table. The woman was speaking to her about not being able to have a party because of the long drive they had to take. She was promising the child that they would have a nice dinner that evening. The child too young to understand words, perhaps understood the love in her mother's voice. She was smiling broadly, as I looked towards them.
Despite the concern of being looked at as being impolite for overhearing hearing their words, I turned and asked about her child's age. She told me it was the first birthday of her daughter. I bent down, wished the little girl. She looked at me through her beautiful blue glassy eyes and smiled as I blew air on her face. I held out my hand and grasped it with her little fingers. I spent a few minutes with the baby making some faces much to the amusement of the baby. Then went back to put another bread in toaster ass the previous one had charred.
On the way back to my room, the mother was at the other end of the corridor and the baby was crawling towards her. As I stopped, the baby looked at me and smiled, before crawling back to her mother.
That made my day
@

Perspectives in journey

2007-02-04T17:34:00.000-08:00

"You really don't understand my point.Do you?", asked a frustrated Jignasu. Jnani replied with a twinkle in his eyes and a smile,"Yes I do". That made Jignasu even more uncomfortable and he started another attempt to explain, fully knowing well that Jnani puts considerable thought before forming an opinion and wouldn't budge so easily.
"I have read these scriptures hundreds of times. You still ask me to read all of them once again? I am not like one of the many people who memorize scriptures without knowing their meaning. I put in years of effort so that I could learn both meaning as well as the verses. Then why do you still ask me to read them again? and that too starting with the basic texts that the first year students learn!"
Jignasu went on for another hour trying to demonstrate his command over the scriptures that contained the wisdom of many great men. In the end, Jnani looked with compassion and said," Come lets get some water from the river".
On the banks of river, they filled their vessels and headed back to their hut. On the way to the hut, Jnani stopped. He stood there in a meditative pose lost in himself and the surroundings. Jignasu was growing restless after a few minutes and finally said, "Can we go back now?".
Jnani replied,"Don't always be eager to do something, stand here for some time"
Slowly minutes melted into hours and Jignasu began to realize the beauty of the surroundings. The chirping birds, the rustling of the leaves in the cool breeze, distant sounds of flowing river, occasional fluttering of birds, noise of unknown insects and even the ants carrying their food to their nest. He felt happy, just a pure joy that did not demand a reason to show itself.

Jnani said later that evening,"You have been going on the same path to river for so many years, getting water everyday. So eager were you to finish the task at the hand that you forgot the beauty of the path itself. The true journey of discovery consists not in seeking new landscape but in having fresh eyes(--Mascal Proust, French Novelist). Just like that you needed fresh eyes to look at the same scriptures. No doubt, you have learnt words and meanings. Now seek their wisdom. The path may seem to be same, but recognize that the perspective is different. That was the reason why you were asked to study again."
Jignasu nodded and looked at Jnani with tear filled eyes.
@
PS: Its funny how inspiration can come from surprising places. I read the quote in a flight magazine while enjoying a beautiful view of the snow covered rocky mountains below.

Lost in footsteps

2007-01-24T21:51:00.000-08:00

It was getting a little dark. I quickened my steps back to home. There were few cars on the street. Few of the sodium vapor lamps stood like torches in the enveloping fog. Slowly the awareness of my surroundings grew and I could notice the smoke rising from the old looking house. The air was thick with the smell of burning wood. The atmosphere was strangely soothing. Probably it was the afternoon rain that cleaned the dirt off the leaves and made them shine in the soft glow of street lights or may be it was the workout at the gym, I did not know or care. I realized it had been almost a month since I took one of the lonely walks. Apart from the sound of occasional breaking twig and the rustle of leaves there was nothing but the rhythmic sound of footsteps falling on soft pavement. There was absolute silence...inside and outside. There was a joy enveloping that did not depend on anything. I smiled as I entered home...I just got lost in my footsteps...once again.
@

Fears

2007-01-14T11:05:00.000-08:00

He was a peon in my father's office. He had a sturdy built and curled up mustache. He would join us all in the after dinner talk, discussing a range of topics. He would cite some of the stories from puranas that my parents didn't know and had a knack of engaging the attention of all when narrating them...Especially of 10 year kids, like me back then. He often told stories from muslim and hindu religions. I came to know that he used to actually read puranas and other religious hindu texts to the illiterate villagers in a remote telangana area of andhra pradesh. I did not realize the importance of that as a child but now I know how big a thing it is...because he was a devout muslim who fasted during ramzan and did namaz everyday.
In an era when extremists of colors breed intolerance and call for revenge citing historical persecution of 'others'..I fear for this way of life, which still exists in rural India. This is the way of life that is corrupted as much with terrorist attacks as it is with proselytizing, vain talk of secularism, giving unnecessary oxygen to those who espouse intolerance, lack of resolve amongst us to call a spade a spade and finally inability to keep our religion confined to our hearts.
One of the songs I used to sing in school compared India to a garden full of flowers of various colors...Replacing the garden with flowers of same color robs its beauty and makes it into a farm not garden just as painting the canvas with a single uniform color erases the painting beneath.
I wish the garden blooms with hundreds of flowers of all colors.
@

Jagannath's smile

2007-01-06T18:11:00.000-08:00

At the temple, the 2 year old was comfortable with all idols but was scared of the Lord Jagannath's idols. He came to me and secretly pointed out to idol of Jagannath and said it was the 'bad guy' in the temple (a fictitious person I conjured on his earlier visit to my house earlier so that he would not shout at the top of his voice).
I did not know what to say, for I am always inspired by the penetrating eyes of Jagannath. I just asked him, are you a good guy? He replied with the innocence of a child..yes. I said that it was only to 'bad kids' that the Jagannath appeared to be bad guy. I asked him to pray to Jagannath, saying he was a good boy. And I further added that he had to do it by closing his eyes and should not cheat. He dutifully did that and had no problem all that evening. He replied as we left the temple that he no longer looked at Jagannath's idol as a bad guy. He told me that he was smiling at him now!

That made me wonder..Is there any meaning to the idols that we pray except that they are focal points to hold our minds? Apart from the religious context we associate feelings and emotions with people, objects, pictures, sounds. But is it our mind that they all come from?

Can the happiness that we all seek be found within us? And as Anne Frank said, "we all seek happiness. we are all so Different yet so similar."
One of the upanishad verses claims that everything outside is just a reflection of what is inside. My cousin's son forced me to reflect on these at a temple and I wondered how true they were. Lord Jagannath is probably smiling at this childish enquiry.

@

Life... whats in it?

2006-12-10T08:44:00.000-08:00

Whether it was the kiss that the 96 year old lady gave me or it was the the feeling of hugging my grandmother in a distant continent I don't know. I could see 3 year old great grand children, 30 year old grandchildren, and her boys (all well over 60 now) talking with her and wondered about life as I left the room walking up and down the corridor. There were many people living last chapters of their life. People who were once proud, strong and probably arrogant of their strength and wealth too, now sitting in wheelchairs with drooping shoulders. With the distant gaze in their deep eyes, they seemed to care about nothing around them. Not the expensive paintings on the wall (Ironically there were paintings of a child,young woman, young man and few a christmas celebrations) or the double doors that kept them confined to the 'facility'. There was someone in the next room playing a soft melody and asking everyone to sing. After a few minutes, they were asked to take deep breaths, raise their arms and rub their shoulders; most likely to keep their frail bodies in good shape for some more time. Most of them would just fade away like stars at dawn but there was an eerie feeling in me, as I could sense the impending death with every tick of the clock. The same clock that ticked in me and was rushing me towards an uncertain death. I guess, every one of us (at least I do) wishes for a painless death, though we would never know if there is any such thing as a painless death. If the wish were not granted and I were to be confined to a chair and made to wait for my death some 50 years down the line, what would my distant gazing eyes look at? Will it be about a past that I would regret? Will it bring tears of remorse? Will it make me yearn for another chance to rewrite a past? or will it bring a smile of a life well lived to the best of my abilities? Just the thought of living in the twilight years of life gave new ideas to write the dairy of life. The yellowed pages of the dairies that would bring a contended smile when read from a great distance in time.
@

Letter

2006-11-19T16:06:00.000-08:00

I love you.
As I look at these words, they seem utterly inadequate to convey the depth of my feelings.
Perhaps they could convey more if I could say them looking straight into your eyes. Perhaps, you would realise what I mean if you looked deep into my heart.
Can words ever describe what I feel for you? Even my mind doesn't understand the depths from which these words have come, so how can yours? So listen with your heart.

Your deep eyes ask me, "What is it that you love in me?" I tried to find an answer and failed miserably..only to understand that you asked me to gather the beauty of flower by plucking its petals. I shall not try to please your vanity by singing false praises. I agree that you may not be the most attractive, but I believe that you are the most beautiful.

I will adorn my words with robes of simple true feelings. No claims of luxuries will I make, only promise of sharing everything I will have. In the end, its not about you or me; Its about us. How can I can match the simple beauty of yours with expensive diamonds? So, I leave the fresh flowers covered in dew that I gathered waiting all night, at your doorstep.

When the heart speaks what is there left to say? So, I leave you alone with these words so that you may listen to them in silence...while I wait with a hand outstretched in hope that you shall come one day.

You could call me your alter ego.

[I once wrote something similar to this as an undergrad for a...........love letter writing competition!!! Time has only brought a few changes to it, even though I tried to be faithful to the original. Needless to say it didnt win any prize and remains undelivered till date :D ]

A visit down the memory lane...

2006-10-31T12:26:00.000-08:00

Thirteen years,changed buildings and absolute silence from my part made me skeptical if anyone would recognize me. Finally, I made up my mind and decided to go and visit once again. After a few enquiries I found my way. Then I realized it had been thirteen years down to the last hour...since I talked with anyone at my old school. From the gate I could see it was lunch break.
The last bit of hesitation in me vanished at the sight of playing children and I marched into the school and asked a kid where the staff room was. She pointed to the room at the corner and walked away before I could thank her.
There was a little apprehension in me as I was about to enter the staff room. Just then, a woman came before me and gave a startled look...For a moment none of us spoke. It was a long time since I met her and it showed in the stray grey hair, small wrinkles on the forehead and under the eyes. Then we both smiled and then she said, "Hey you are NM. Kaisa hai". She was my first ever class teacher at KV and my Hindi teacher who taught me to literally speak, read and write hindi. I was feeling proud that she remembered me. Then grabbed my hand and took me inside and introduced to other teachers there.

I saw KK madam sitting acroos the table and opening her lunch box. She was one of the most important people in my life. She introduced me to Bhagavad gita and would take infinite troubles in preparing us for a plethora of competitions in the city. I went over and just stood there...watching her and couldnt wish her. Just bent and touched her feet. She hugged me and tried very hard to look away and hide the swelling tears. Next to her sat my class teacher for class 6. She remebered me after a few moments and within the next few minutes they all enquired about everything about me. I was at the centre of their attention and they would introduce me to everyone entering the room for next few minutes as "our former student". On knowing that I did not have lunch that day, a plate full of snacks was placed before me. Two of the teachers gave me half of their lunch. One from north India gave me roti and palak sabji while my hindi teacher gave me pulihogare in the lid of her lunch box.
They talked of how naughty I was and I replied with a wink that I had been punished by all of them.

After sometime, my music teacher came in followed by vice principal. Me and KK madam went around the school. Went in to library and I smiled on watching the whispers while librarian madam was talking to me. In the music room, nothing changed much except that the old creaky harmonium gave way to new synthesizer. Class IB with children from NE, north, south India sitting next to each other and singing the national song. The exact line they were singing was 'Majhab nahin sikhata aapas mein bair rakhnaa'(religion does not teach us to hate each other). I felt I knew why despite being deeply religious, despite seeing so many acts of terrorism by so called jihadists I could never get myself to hate any religion. It was in classrooms such as these that my teachers taught me acceptance of all religions and respect diversity. I sat there and we all sang together.
Spent about two hours with my teachers and towards the end, one of them said pointing to KK madam...you made her day. To which I smiled and uttered under my breath, she made my life.
I feel really grateful to have such teachers...It just reinforces my conviction to be a good teacher. Probably it is the only way I can pay tribute to these great souls.
@

Journey to advaita

2006-09-11T09:56:00.000-07:00

You ask me to go away. Is it a body that will ultimately decay addressing another body that will also go to dust? or is it addressed by the all pervading conciousness to conciousness? Oh learned ascetic tell me what is the difference between you and me? is the sunlight falling on the street of an outcaste any different from sunlight on waters of ganga? is the space inside a golden casket any different from the casket made of mud? [From Introduction of Maneesha panchakam by Adi shankara]
Who is a sinner and who is pious? What is the knowledge that you say makes you superior? Who is the teacher and who is the student? what is there to be learned and achieved when you realise that everything that you see, feel, think and everything that lies beyond is connected. [From Ashtavakra samhita]
The awareness is concealed inside you like sun hidden behind clouds.[Rig veda, Bhagavat Gita] You are no sinner nor are you any pious person. You are just a traveller on a quest to realise your true self. Look at your fellow travellers and help each other so that the journey is more enjoyable. When someone stumbles remember your first steps and hold your hand out. Remember this is a journey and not a race. Your destination is a heart...Pure and full of bliss. Smile at your difficulties and spare a few words of encouragement for others in your journey so that the journey becomes a reward.
@

Humanist

2006-08-28T15:28:00.000-07:00

Whats the time by your watch sir? The voice was a faint but filled with confidence. I turned around, and expecting to see a some well dressed man in the corridors of my hostel. Instead I found him, the bookseller, dressed in an old 'lungi' and a crumpled shirt. His routine was almost exact. Every sunday by 10.00am he would set up his books for display outside our common room. He would chat with students from various disciplines about the books he had and even show some of the contents. It was not an uncommon sight to see him show the individual chapters in different books and talk intelligently about them. He would promptly close the shop by 12.00 and leave to be back the next week. He always sold only books by then out of print Mir publishers from USSR. His frail looking body, thick eye glasses, stubble, grey hair and crumpled clothes could not hide the aura of a mystic around him. There were many legends about him...that he was a former PhD student at IITK. He was always there promptly on every sunday to sell his books which I always suspected could not help him earn his living. One day I joined the usual chat on the sidelines of his business. It was a time when Mayawati had just constituted a jumbo ministry of 150 ministers a day ago. I was surprised at his political awareness when he made fun of her ministry saying every tree, rock and stray dog had a minister.
He would very nonchalantly say he had no family. No mother. No father. No wife. No brother or sister. No son. He was alone he would say. I wondered often how he would feel..afterall whatever stoic exterior we may display, we all are vulnerable at some point and seek comfort in trusting arms. He would proudly show us that the lungi he wore was only 10 Rs and he bought it in Vijayawada(in AP). He refused to be carried in a rickshaw; would always put his books in them and walk beside it. Another day, he, me and another friend discussed about the philosophy of learning. I was amazed at his depth when he told us that learning was a gift. It had to be given to anyone willing to recieve it. Therefore the books, the storehouse of knowledge had to be freely availiable and to make that happen Govt. must subsidise them if neccessary. He spoke of good old days when USSR was still around and the Mir publishers would publish books. He would criticize capitalist way of learning, where essentially it is the rich who have access to best books. At this point, my friend made asked him if he was a communist. His answer was plain and simple...Sir,Iam not a communist or a capitalist. All I care for is the welfare of everyone. All I want is a misery free life with two square meals for everyone. Iam a humanist.
At that time I saw in him a wisdom of a vedic sage who had declared long back,
sarve santu sukhinah;sarve santu niramaya,
sarve bhadrani pashyantu, maa kaschid dhukhabhagbhavet.
[May everyone be happy, may everyone be free of worries;
May everyone see security in their lives, may none be unhappy]
In this age of political correctness and contrivied vocabularies, need a few more people like him who are the change they want to see in the world. The lasting image I have of this humanist is his frail figure on the KGP railway platform, dressed in his blue checkered lungi he bought in vijayawada for 10 Rs, reading a newspaper through his thick glasses with the three bags overflowing with books lay beside him.
I never asked his name. To me he is always a humanist.
@

Why hurry?

2006-08-27T18:13:00.000-07:00

Whats the hurry to bloom? I ask the plant. It pointed to the bud that had fallen to ground unable to withstand the storm and said, perhaps next one will bloom in time to express my appreciatation to the old gardner. Perhaps it will be just in time for his daughter to pick the flower for her daily worship. Perhaps, it will be just appropriate for his young grandson to gift it to his friend at the end of the street. More often than not, the appreciation, devotion and love go unexpressed just because they were being perfected and the mortals for whom they were destined departed, just like the falled bud. Hence the hurry to bloom; to appreciate, to give and to love..just for the sake of it. Sometimes you run...lest it may be too late.
I brisquely walked on the road with a new understanding.
@

Innocence heard?

2006-08-14T12:54:00.000-07:00

I settle down on a bench in the almost empty quad on a cloudy day sipping hot tea from the mug, enjoying the occasional rain drops on my hands and face. A dark blob of feathers moved beside me. I went near to have a closer look and waved a twig above it. I was expecting to see a flutter of wings with the bird trying to fly away.
General experience has taught me that other free living things have lost the trust in humans long time ago. You may see a crane sitting on a buffalo but never on a human being. You may even see a bird eating scraps in the open mouth of a crocodile (This IS true )but never a mouse running on a person.

The bird did something unusual. It opened its mouth as if the twig was some kind of a worm. I realized it was not an injured bird but a young bird that had fallen from its nest. Its wings were still not strong enough to carry its weight. It still had the innocence left in it to trust a human. I didnt know what it would eat, but realised it must have been hungry all night. I opened my bag and found some Indian snacks I was carrying to my office. Hesitatingly I fed the bird and to my relief it gulped it and opened its mouth again. I fed it a few times and left for the office to think of better alternatives to keep it alive. However, I was almost confident that its parents would come and pick the bird. But it had to be protected from the predators in the mean time.
On my way to office, I sense increasing frequency of rain drops. It meant sure death for the bird as it could die of cold with wet wings and would be a dessert for the wild cats that roam around. I looked up, and borrowing a little bit of innocence from the bird, prayed for the rain to stop. Few hours later, there was no rain and no trace of the bird. I searched the area twice and still couldn't find it.
I dont know what happened to the bird, but something tells me that my prayers were answered.
@

On a summer night...

2006-08-14T12:53:00.000-07:00

The sky was beautiful with twinkling stars. The clouds glowed orange lighted by the city lights underneath. Few twinkling stars stood were imitated by the lights of a flying aircraft. As I gaze at them under a summer night sky, lying on a freshly mown lawn and smelling the earthly scent, I get lost in the distances between us. After a few futile attempts to obscure the star, the clouds left the sky leaving me alone with the star. The dark sky and the spaces between seem to shrink and soon I could see nothing except the star in a far away galaxy.
The infinite spaces, bigger than the spaces between galaxies seems so large to me. I take a deep breath and wonder about amount of air in my lungs. So little, yet so vital to my being alive and dead. I wonder what the star would think, if it had a life just like this little human sitting on a far away planet and dreaming of a little freedom every now and then. I wondered whether it would even notice the small planet circling an ordinary star. Then...do we stop by every time we see an ant struggling on our path? or watch a little sparrow learning to fly or a squirrel cracking a nut?
What is the bond that unites us all? the infinity that engulfs all and the nothingness that it was born out of?
Can this mind of mine ever hope to get a feel for the infinity? It is one of the words I speak without understanding, just as I speak about nothingness. When I ask whether I can be close to infinity by expanding my mind, little do I realise that just as addition of two numbers, however large, doesn't ever bring them close to infinity, the quest to infinity is not in expansion, neither is it in withdrawl of thought. Then, am I any close to realizing nothingness? Defining emptyness as absense of anything I tie it to the implicit presence of things and sadly I go away from both emptiness and the infinity that it fills.
I tried measuring the waters in ocean of thought with the palms of my little mind. My heart tells me its futile and instead asks me to delve deep into the ocean itself to transcend the ocean. Tired of walking in the shallow waters of clever word play, I seek depths. The depths of life where feelings come as a result of silent strength gained by withstanding the storms in life and character strengthened in the testing fires of temptations. Somewhere in the silent depths of my heart, I realize that there are still winds of hope that will guide me. I look at the star, it was still twinkling in the clear night sky...at that moment we divided the distances with the nothingness between us and touched infinity. And I could hear the bells toll at a distance.
@

Juggler

2006-08-07T12:46:00.000-07:00

He was a juggler par excellence. He had won many championships and was considered a prodigy. Someone fished out a packet of white powdery substance during one of the many celebrations held in his honour. They said it would give an exalted feeling and he should just try it. He hesitantly took a snuff at the stuff and it felt good. He had a feeling of a feather floating carelessly in spring breeze. Members of the party wanted to see his tricks. He hesitated for a bit, then thought...he was the best juggler, how could years of practice be lost with one whiff of that stuff? Sure enough, he performed one his most difficult tricks juggling a dozen glass globes while holding a candle on a spoon with his teeth and silenced lone friend who tried to warn him. Everyone except his friend clapped...and this did not escape the jugglers eye. That evening someone had taken a photograph of him juggling and everyone present at the party signed...except his friend who scribbeled on the back of the photograph...It all begins with the first step. Juggler held a grudge against the friend for spoiling such a beautiful photograph.

He almost forgot about the incident...a year later during another party, someone held a white powdery stuff. Someone said," It is not that you are addicted or anything like that.Its just once in a while. And you didnt even lose control the last time you had this. My God, what a performance it was..juggling so many globes" He held his hand out and had one more snuff for the second time in his life.

The time flew and slowly the frequency of the parties where he had the stuff increased. He never admitted he could be affected by the stuff yet, he longed for it. When he was thrown out of his job for non performance he blamed his manager. One fateful day, police raided his house, searched his house. One of the young cops accidentally pushed an old album as he clumsily searched on top of the old bookcase. An old dust covered photograph fell down...The scribbled letters were clearly visible even thought the photgraph was old. They read. It all begins with the first step.
[Authors Note: An old chinese story that was the inspiration for this would end here. But eternal optimist Iam, my story continues]

A few months later, as he walked free from the rehab centre, he took out the photograph that he cherished and went confidently to meet his long forgotten friend
who said, It all begins with the first step.
@

Tracks in sand

2006-08-07T11:40:00.000-07:00

I walk the mile hoping to make a mark. I put my foot firmly on the ground and mark my step in sands of time. Looking ahead I see many tracks that once stood out proudly disappearing into the sandy canvas just as the steps behind me have started to disappear. The tracks of a child, old woman and the dog walking beside her all disappear with one large wave. Looking at them, I wonder why do we struggle to make a mark in life? Isn't it futile when all will be forgotten in a few years. What is it that we strive for? What endures the life and the death thereafter? I ask people, preachers and scriptures only to be smiled at. Some tell me it may be the wealth that we earn. Some tell me its the respect we get from others. When gently reminded of the forgotten heros of yesteryears, ruins of once majestic palaces, unknown heros of wars of life they look at me in a strange way, their eyes full of pity for my confusion. I smile at them and myself before walking away.
A learned one told me it may be the goodness within that we yearn for. I ask him, what remains beyond this duality: happiness and sorrow, good and bad; life and death. He stares at me and says don't let your mind wander too much.
Dont ask me for I dont know either. Probably the silence between the conversations and thoughts will provide the answer. I am still trying to listen.
@

In a dream

2006-07-26T11:35:00.000-07:00

One day deep in my sleep, I heard an argument. I thought it was an argument between my mind and heart.
Mind was shouting at the heart,"You complain that the world hurts you, but can the world be blamed if you are too sensitive? You just pathetically stick to your vain hope."
Heart replied,"My hope is stronger than your confidence".
M:You confuse between confidence and hope. Confidence is to have the capability to anticipate every situation and the response. Your hope unlike my confidence is doomed. Like a drowning man you hold on and expect to be saved by the few blades of grass that neither have strength nor the depth to hold you.
H:A mind all logic is like a sword all blade. These few blades of grass can make a rope that binds elephants. What do you know about hope, it brings out the extraoridnary in ordinary. It drives the worlds. Ignorant of the majestic world, you take false refuge in your confidence, it is nothing but your vanity speaking.

Listening to all this, a voice deep within said, let not the blade mock the handle that it is blunt. Work together and the blade and the handle become a formidable sword that strikes at the roots of ignorance. I shall be the warrior who holds the sword. Remember, long time ago power said to the world, you are mine and the world made it a prisoner of throne. Love said, Iam yours and the world gave her the freedom of the house.
Who are you? Mind and heart asked in unison...
There was only a sound of soft smile and an eternal silence.
@
[Some of the quotes are from Stray Birds: Rabindranath Tagore. Availiable free online at project Gutenburg.]

Part 1

2006-07-15T15:16:00.000-07:00

After a long tiring day of work, Ramesh went to sleep. Cell phone's ring rudely jolted out of the sleep. He looked at the clock with dreamy eyes and it perhaps showed 5.30am. Cursing the caller he picked the phone. He was startled as he heard voice of his father on the other end. His father's usually calm voice was trembling and cracking. Perhaps it was for the first time in his life that he heard his father sob and as he heard the news, Ramesh couldn't believe his ears. His brother had died in a terrorist bombing on a local train half way across the globe. Memories of the time he spent with his brother came rushing to him. The fights they had over trivial things, how they made up with in few hours, and how they were united in hitting the bully in their neighborhood. They came with a torrent of uncontrollable emotions... He sobbed alone in his bed in a lonely country far away. Slowly gathering himself, he dressed up and with a sad heart left for the office to apply for leave... to witness the last rites of his beloved brother.

On his way he heard the news of the bombing on the TV sets in the local train station. Few people stopped to listen to the news. They moved along, pushing and shoving each other to catch the train that was about to leave platform. On the news channel news reader was going on..."one hundred eighty six people killed and over five hundred injured in the train bombings at Mumbai, India. World leaders offered their condolences to India." After that she switched on to the baseball game and was joking about the weather that day few seconds later. A wry smile came on Ramesh's lips as tears swelled in his eyes: His brother's tragic death was nothing but a count in a statistic that determined the air time on news channels across the world.

Beginnings

2006-07-06T12:44:00.000-07:00

Jignasu was sad and frustrated. The dream castles he built over years came crashing down in one stormy night. Only ruins were visible in the first light of day where he envisioned a beautiful world. Years of toil in scorching sun, unbearable pain of injuries all lay there in pieces just like his broken heart. With tear filled eyes he looked up and questioned, is that all?
Jnani coming back from the river looked at him, affectionately put an arm around his shoulder and took him to a nearby ant hill that was also destroyed by the storm. The ants were already building their nest with feverish pace. Lining up, they carried small pieces of soil and placed them around their nest in preparation for another storm. Each time they built a nest more stronger and better than the previous one.
Jnani said, "None can go back and make a new beginning. But anyone can start a new and make a happy ending! When you think it is impossible look into your heart. You shall never loose if you are true to yourself. "
Jignasu picked up the shovel as the flowers, withstanding the testing storm, smiled with the gentle breeze.

Too Little or Too big?

2006-06-19T22:30:00.000-07:00

Rain drops made a sweet noise as they dropped into the small puddles of water on the concrete. Water just began to form streams and flow to the nearby drain. It was raining and I hurried holding the umbrella against the wind and trying to protect my clothes. I needed to get to the place on time and was already delayed. There were only a few people in sight except for the odd couple who walked holding each others hands, enjoying the rain. Something fluttered beside the path. I turned and found an injured bird...its wing was broken and flapped its wet feathers in a futile attempt to fly. I stopped and looked at the bird. It vainly tried to fly away from me as I held it and brought to the the warm comfort of my home. Did not know what it would eat and tried feeding it all kinds of things from grains to insects. In the end, it had to be force fed a solution of glucose and a few medicines. Two days later, as I opened the window it flew out into the freedom of warm sunshine outside. It circled my house once before disappearing in the woods. I somehow think its the same bird that sings its best song on my window of the first morning of every spring. And reminds me that what is little for one could sometimes mean a lot for others and to never stop helping.
@
[Remark:As you can guess, its a mixture of fact and fiction :)]

Eagles and trees

2006-06-09T17:33:00.000-07:00

In my view eagles epitomize the best characteristics of a teacher and a scientist. They see the entire forests yet doesn't lose the details of a lone rat crawling around bushes. Flying in a small plane offers me the former though I miss the detail of an eagle's eye. On a recent trip I was immersed in the majestic views of the landscape that the plains of Missisipi offered. The dense tree growth lined both banks and as I looked out of the cockpit, a lone tree caught my attention. It was no different from others surrounding it. Just another tree on the banks of the mighty river. It stood on the verge of the bank almost touching the river. I sat watching it for a long time with an empty mind, until I realised I had turned my head almost 135 degrees watching it. Why was I watching it? What was so special about that tree? My usually imaginative mind could not come up with any reason... all the while my eyes were fixed on the tree. Perhaps it was like being in love. You never know why, how or what of it. It just happens and when it happens just feels good. Perhaps its the fleeting moment filled with joy and the tree just stood there like an idol in a temple. Signifying something greater than the tree, me and the moment.
Slowly tree on the banks of Missisipi in an unkown place faded into horizon. I just looked as it blended into horizon leaving me with a bag of bitter sweet memories. Now it was time to look forward.
@

Lessons on empathy

2006-05-27T09:17:00.000-07:00

We seldom think about the many of the things that we do to others, words we use to speak or things we wish for others. One of the common themes among all religions is that do not do to others what you do not want to be done to you. Again I think it is in human nature to ignore things until they stand at the door.
Once my mother left for my grandparents house and my father,brother and myself were left alone in house. My father used to buy peace at home by stacking kitchen shelves with sweets. There was a species of ants that leaves a definite odour on the foods they crawl, I particulaly disliked. They would always find the packet of sweets from their hideout under the door. Lining up like a military supply chain they carry away peices of sweets from the packet. That did not bother me as much as the smell they left behind. As a kid who did some of the most horrible things anyone could imagine, I decided to teach them a 'lesson'. Taking a lighted candle, I burned the entire line of ants. The soot from the candle left a dark line on the wall. My mother after coming back came to know about this and all she said was,"it is such a sin". After a few days she was making something in the kitchen and I was messing with dishes on the stove. A drop of hot oil fell on my hand and I cried in pain. She looked at me and understood what happened. She pointed to the black line on the wall and said now think of those ants. No earth shattering change took over me at that moment. I did not renounce violence nor did I become a saint. But that incident made me think and overtime completely changed me.
Further strengthening my belief was a quote:
"Only weak are cruel. Gentleness can be expected only from the strong."
@

MS...

2006-05-19T18:36:00.000-07:00

As I listen to MS during the scarce spare time I have these days, I remember her life. It was that of a simple housewife, a trailblazer who stormed into the male bastion of carnatic music(I think Pattammal was the first), popularised carnatic music in world. Whose voice Gandhiji loved so much that he wanted her to speak his favorite bhajan than some one else sing. And the nigthingale sang her song for father of the nation.
When she she recieved her bharata ratna, she said,"In Bharata our ancient homeland, everyone is a ratna. So there is not one ratna here and there but everyone is a ratna" Such humility...
Somehow, her looks attracted me...perhaps it was the bhakti that seemed to be reflected in her and her music or may be it was her uncanny similarity to my maternal grandmother. In the reports I read, she comes across as a strong woman who did what she believed was right..think of this, she married a widower from another caste some 60 years ago in chennai! She donated most of the proceeds from her concerts to charities, and to cap it all she said somewhere in an interview when asked what was the greatest achievement of her life (This was after bharat ratna etc); MS's words still ring in my ears whenever Iam hurt by others or I feel Iam taking undue pride in my work.She said,

"God has given us abilities some of them special to serve the world. It is nothing great if we use the talents that god has given us and achieve wealth and fame. But in my life I have never knowingly hurt anyone or thought of hurting anyone. That I think is my life's greatest achievement"
@

Doubts...

2006-04-24T15:50:00.000-07:00

Ambling on the silent paths of solitude,I climb the mountain of introspection. In the great plains before me farmers leaving their fields after day's work in blazing sun, cast long shadows. The earth in the golden glow of the setting sun reminds the tired face of a village maid. Grand edifices of the yesteryears stand on on the horizon as a mark of the proud men who built them. Like a painter about to draw his masterpiece I stare at my future. The white canvas of future is empty and mysterious. For a moment the brush in my hand quivers. A small self doubt rises..what does my future hold. What if one wrong stroke destroys the future? I am lost in these thoughts as I stare at stars in the moonless night enveloped by darkness. I see the red glow on the horizon and the little figures of men working in the fields with their bullocks. The same fields that were destroyed by countless floods and yet the tenacity of these great little men wins over the ferocity of nature and tryanny of men. Unkown strength envelopes me and I whistle at the nightingale on the nearby mango tree. Feel happy when it replies back and a tide of peace rushes with the first rays of morning sun. I standup and walk determinedly into the fields of action. I shall paint the best picture not to appease my vanity but as a tribute to those who are gone and who are yet to come and to those people who stand up again. I now find my hand steady and doubts melting just like the drops of the dew that are falling off the blades of grass as I walk.
@

Juggernaut...

2006-04-08T22:21:00.000-07:00

Dark clouds and piercing silence. Is it a storm approaching?
Rising tide. Is it a typhoon approaching?
Flaming mountain. Is it the awakening of a passion dormant for a millenia?
Rumbling earth. Is it shaking off the burden?
Rising sun. Is it the new dawn of hope?
Disappearing darkness. Is it difficuties melting?
Deep inside a invisible yet invincible a force stirred. Difficulties, goals, aims, deadlines, success, failure, name, fame and pride made way for a selfless conviction.
Somewhere a Juggernaut moved.
@
[Note: Juggernaut(meaning Invincible/Irresistable force) has an interesting history. It is derived from the word 'Jagannath' Rath of Puri. It is so huge that in olden days it wass considered unstoppable once it moved.]

World views

2006-04-02T14:37:00.000-07:00

Is the ocean this big? said the little frog in the well.Jumping from one corner of the well to the other.
"Limited is your knowledge about the world, My friend! You know not what the world is like. I have seen this world", said the swan that had seen mighty ocean.
........
Instantly as he heard these remarks,Indra began to laugh. How pretentious was the claim of knowledge about the world by swan, confined as it was to a world no more than a speck of dirt in his vast empire spanning galaxies.
.......
Lord, who transcends space and time, smiled as he observed these conversations and thoughts. Yashoda seeing her baby smile in sleep, kissed him on forehead.
............................
@

Rollercoaster

2006-04-01T13:25:00.000-08:00

Life is a rollercoaster. Tides of emotions bring waxing and waning phases of happiness and sorrows. Pervading all of these is a joy that cannot be compared. For the realized jnani, nothing matters. Neither the death nor the birth. Neither fame nor disrespect. Jnani exists in an eternal joy.

But the life of all mortals like us is a different story. One moment we are happy and the next we feel sad. As I think deeply about it, I realize that however ephemeral life is, there is a definite joy in it just as there is an infinite joy in eternity. Its a feeling of joy one experiences while watching a child fall down trying to walk or a birdlearning to fly. Glorious rising sun in the east or the poignant farewell to the sun by the day. Its the enchantment we feel when we hear a great music, first cry of the baby, song of an unkown bird in the wild. The peace that envelopes on watching a great valley from a mountain top or watching a lone pair of ducks flying alone on a full moon night. The excitement that we have when we see a water fall or waves lashing the rocks on the sea shore. The moments of pleasant surprise when we bump into an old friend at a railway station, hear about commitment of a friend culminating in marriage, or listen to a the same song you were about to hum being sung by person next to you.Disgust at meanness of others while failing to see our own. Talk of high morals in public, while acting like devils in the dark reccesses of personal life. The fear of failure, hope of success.

Its all there in this world and our own. Yet life is beautiful and full of joy precisely because it is this kaleidoscope of emotions. Jnani realize this and enjoys them all while jignasu tries in vain to overcome each one of them until one day he realizes that the QUEST is not to seek, but to realize the divinity present in everyone, everything...at all times and in all states. Then he becomes jnani.
@
[Note: I do not use the words joy and happiness interchangeably. They are different concepts to me.One could be full of joy even in a sad situation and vice versa. Joy is a much more subtle and powerful emotion. Sanskrit has two words for then...Ananda for joy and sukha for happiness. In case you are still confused, its because of my poor literary skills and not due to any deficiencies in the concepts themselves..I take the blame!]

Silent prayer...

2006-03-17T16:29:00.000-08:00

Hoping to see you in the faint light of religious lamps, I spent countless nights trying to light them again and again. Everytime I thought the flame was steady a gust of wind would come and blow them off leaving me in darkness and confusion. A fool was I to try to see you in the light of earthen lamps, My master. For you shine on your own with a brilliance that blinds my mind and soothes my heart. The sun, fire and lightning are mere reflections of your power. I shall not seek you in the light of lamps.

I made a formidable chain to bind you, carefully crafting each link with logic; proud that no one could ever break those links. In the end when the chain is complete, I find that the chain binds me and robs my freedom. Come and break this chain.

Make my knees strong enough that they do not bend before the tyranny of the world and yet make my spine supple enough to reach to your feet residing in the lowest depths of society where the oppressed live.

Sacrifice this pawn in your game of celestial chess if you wish, but place it at your feet, where the righteous live in the enlightened comfort of your eternal presence.

I know not what the next moment holds for me and the memories of the past are clouded by perceptions and prejudices. My mind lives in this moment and thinks it can grasp you who extends beyond boundaries of time. Forgive this childishness.

I complained to you the other day that you don't come to my house. That you didn't come in through my front door, even though I was waiting for you inside. But I now realise that I locked the door from inside. You waited outside in a silent patience.

I complained that I don't see you in my everyday life. You pointed at the unkown stranger who helped me and the child who gave an innocent smile as he looked at me from his mother's shoulders. You pointed at my parents, my siblings and friends who helped me in difficult times. You pointed at my old dog that used to wait for me at the door. You pointed towards the bookseller who brought the books to my hostel. I had missed you as I thought you were different from the common folk around me. I thought you would be special always shining and extraordinary...little did I expect to see you in the dust raised by the workers walking back home after a day's toil in fields and mines. Extraordinary you are, not because you are exclusive but because you are all inclusive. I shall try my best to see you in all and welcome you to my home.

My heart knows you are the greatest treasure, but my mind still holds on to the tinsel of the world. It doesn't allow me to come to you. My lord come to me.

I thought I knew what love was and called you to come to me. I now know that your love is far greater than mine. I shall be waiting for you in a silent prayer. Will you come?
Jignasu.

Arrogance...

2006-03-13T19:28:00.000-08:00

"Don't call me your cousin you lowly creature", thundered the lovely rose looking at her neigbhour chrysantamum. Chrysatamum said nothing and looked with sad eyes. That evening gardener plucked both of them in preparation for the great welcome to the king. Rose was thrown on the street to welcome the king. Alas! Arrogance and false pride at its heart were broken as it was trampled by the king's horse. Chrysantamum adorning the lord's feet in the temple saw the king come in with naked feet and bow before her.
@

Eye opener?

2006-03-12T00:48:00.000-08:00

Initially I dismissed the whole Blank Noise Project(BNP) as another ranting that usually goes on. I dislike militant feminism as much as male chauvinism and categorise them under misguided idealogies. But a second look prompted by a friends suggestion made me go over a few of the things that many wrote. I was horrified to learn about the level of torture that an average women endures in a society in trying to achieve 'equality'.
I always thought the eve teasing belonged more to Bollywood than to real life..for after spending time in NE one cannot but but admire the culture in NE India where the women are treated with much more respect not just in scriptures but in real life. It fills my heart with sadness when I realized that all the incidents of drive by rapes and molestations were not isolated incidents by some drunken perverts but were a sign of a deeper malaise afflicting the society. The society where a the forefathers delcared ages ago that, 'yatra naryastu poojyante ramante tatra devatah' (where women are held in high esteem there gods remain happy). In a country where Mahatma delared true freedom to be the day when a woman could walk freely alone at night, without fear, it hurts to see women being assaulted in broad daylight...and most people watching a spectacle. No one should keep quiet and endure. Agreed there will be scornful looks and people saying behind the back, that they 'asked for it'. More often than not these feeble voices do not dare to challenge the fury of conviction. This is one of the issues where forebearance ceases to be a virtue. Enduring such acts, women insult not only themselves but also all the other people who view such acts with disgust.
What is the solution? I don't think enacting a law would be an effective measure. We do have laws banning female infanticide, dowry etc etc...but how effective is their implementation? We cannot cure a cancer by painkillers. We need more effective treatments. They may not be dramatic, but will have a lasting effect. By calling for enactments of laws etc we are placing the burden of solution on 'others', which history has shown is never effective. To begin with as Gandhiji said, we must be the change we want to see in the world. The women who have suffered may not be able to file cases and punish every offender. However by educating children, talking about the problem more freely and not just on a women's day in internet blogs we can hope for the best. Everyday in schools, in our homes and in our neighbourhood we can raise the awareness. Refuse to talk or be 'friends' with those who tease, just as we would try to avoid those involved in criminal activities. If every mother took care of her sons, if every sister told her brother that she could be at the recieveing end some day... I dont think anyone would even entertain such thoughts. True, it is difficult and many may even call it impractical. But it will be a lasting change precisley because we changed the way the society thinks through our little actions. Think of Amul..it started in a cow shed. Blacks in west fought for their rights and still are..look at how they changed the society's thinking through individual acts of courage and conviction.
Imagine the sitaution after 15 years, if everyone of our generation resolved to stop this in our immediate surroundings... Then the effect is no longer miniscule. May be in a decade we will have kids in the school who will not think it is 'cool' and in the decade after that, Mahatma will be happy to see from heaven that India has finally achieved its freedom.
I shudder when I think what my little sister could be writing in an anonymous blog on a womens day in next few years. But I think that if we can stand up now then may be she will only have to read about BNP somewhere among the forgotten Archives on Internet, just as we read about civil rights movement in our history books.
@

Men and women

2006-03-04T13:38:00.000-08:00

OK, let me take a pick at the women in general in this one! (I read a few comments on a friend's blog and interestingly recieved some email fwd's from a friend which Iam putting here)

A store that sells husbands has just opened in New York City, where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates. You may visit the store ONLY ONCE!
There are six floors and the attributes of the men increase as the shopper ascends the flights. There is, however, a catch.... "You may choose any man from a particular floor, or you may choose to go up a floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!"
So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband....
On the first floor the sign on the door reads: Floor 1 - These men have jobs and love the Lord.
The second floor sign reads: Floor 2 - These men have jobs, love the Lord, and love kids.
The third floor sign reads: Floor 3 - These men have jobs, love the Lord, love kids, and are extremely good looking.
"Wow," she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.
She goes to the fourth floor and sign reads: Floor 4 - These men have jobs, love the Lord, love kids, are drop- dead good looking and help with the housework.
"Oh, mercy me!" she exclaims, "I can hardly stand it!" Still, she goes to the fifth floor and sign reads: Floor 5 - These men have jobs, love the Lord, love kids, are drop- dead gorgeous, help with the housework, and have a strong romantic streak.
She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor and the sign reads:
Floor 6 - You are visitor 4,363,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please.
Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store. Watch your step as you exit the building, and have a nice day!
Please send this to all men for a good laugh and to all the women who can handle the truth!

Its not over as yet...As a complement to the above store, a guy decided to open 'wife's store' two block away. Again there are six floors and the attributes of the women increase as the shopper ascends the flights. An the same rule of oneway applies here.

On the first floor the sign on the door reads: Floor 1 - These women are intelligent and beautiful.
The second floor sign reads: Floor 2 - These women are intelligent , beautiful and love sex.
The third floor sign read:Er...No one ever visited these floors, so management decided to rent them out for other businesses.
@

School days!

2006-03-01T20:48:00.000-08:00

In some classrooms one could hear children talking in whispers in the classroom as the teacher wrote on the blackboard, while in others one could hear the incessant chattering voices if the treacher was not present. The class leader more often than not joined the pandemonium by shouting at the kids to 'discipline' them and threatening to write their names on a peice of paper that he threatened to give to the class teacher. It was generally a futile attempt as more often than not the leader would lose the paper or the teacher would be more interested to start a new lesson than listen to complaints. The more adevnturous ones would venture out and play 'leg cricket' or some other crazy game. Some good samaritan would come running into the classroom and announce at the top of his voice 'principal madam aa rahe hain'. Few skeptical souls would have a look and confirm it is again by announcing at the top of their voices. Then a transformation would occur: suddenly all the bags on the chairs would be shoved into desks, all paper planes recovered and safely put away in the darkest corners of the desk, lunch boxes closed, and books taken out for an additional special effect. Principal madam would come, scold the entire class telling them that they are the most indisciplined class in the entire school and invariably pick two or three poor souls make them stand up on the bench for a class or two to show that she means business. In extreme cases where one of the guys goofs up badly and comes in AFTER principal madam would have his/her ears twisted. After she left a pall of silence would descend on the class, people would start talking to their neighbours in whispers and slowly the noise levels would be back to the normal before principal get back to her office.

The big peepal tree in the centre of the school stood like an old sage, written under it were words written in stone, 'united we stand, divided we fall'. During the breaks, the guys would invariably team up and run upto the favorite spot to play the game in fashion. Some would go to the banyan tree next to the road and swing across the road clutching the roots. A few would hunt for 'seetaphal' or 'raw tamarind'. The thrill of finding the hideout of another group's stashed raw seetaphal under the leaves to allow them to ripen was the best in the world...meeting a few snakes on the way just added to the excitement. Poor attempts to camouflage the hideout with other tree leaves would be promptly discovered and ruthllessly plundered.
Wednesday PT would be more of a routine where we had to swing arms like some trained monkeys to please bhagwan sir (yes it was his name!) who would come and hit you if you dared to move half inch away from the perfect line. Toughest punishments were reserved for those who feigned headache or stomach ache..poor guys would be humiliated before the entire school and then made to stand right under his nose, next to the deafening drums... to whose tunes we had to dance.

One incident I could never forget...it was my final exams and mangoes in the aunty's house were tempting. After finishing the exams hurriedly, bahadur, me andDRama decided to pay the unknown aunty's house a visit. Since the house was locked, we scaled the wall and plucked a few mangoes. Greed they say is the root cause of all evils...A few good mangoes fell inside the house and brave bahadur went in and picked them up. He failed to notice our unkown aunty lurking in the corner, who grabbed him by his shirt and yelled,'This is it. Iam tired of you brats. Iam going to complain to your principal'. DRama and me jumped from the wall and ran for our lives. However we missed a small thing. We left our exam pad and papers with our names boldly written so that nobody could ever try to steal it were left at our beloved aunty's house. She promptly grabbed them and waved them at us. We ran back and pleaded from a safe distance that she was a nice lady and she should return our things as this was the first time we ever tried 'taking' the mangoes and would never do it again. However, our prayers fell to deaf ears. But when DRama realised that his exam pad was not in her hand but was some 10 feet away, he ran the sprint of his life and vanished with a big grin on his face. This hardened auty's stance and no amount of our pleading could cool her. We were taken to principal madam, who scolded us and made us stand outside her office for an hour. We were finally left with a dire warning, that we should bring our parent if we wanted to get the progress card. It was the longest 10 day wait of my life. On the day of results, as was the practice, she announced the names of the two guys in the class on the stage. I felt a wave of relief when she called my name and gave me the progress card. I simply smiled at her and with a mischevous wink, grabbed the progress report before any of the earlier memories came to her.
@

But...

2006-02-23T08:06:00.000-08:00

I was walking down the memory lane. There were familiar landmarks: some imposing and inspiring, some insipid; some beautiful, some ugly; few with deep foundations leaving a mark on my memory landscape. Time had weathered many of them: some lay in ruins while others were covered by vines of forgetfulness. I remembered the places, where I had stood earlier truimphant, defeated, vindicted, confident, sad, lonely or hopeful. The grand monumental events that looked so important at the time of their construction seemed small as I reflected on them. The path was not shaped, as I observed standing at the beginning of the lane, by these grand edifices: they just stood there by the side of path lined with thousands of ephemeral daffodils.
As I ambled on the paths, a little note with rain or perhaps tears blurring the letters, lying in the bushes caught my attention, it read,"But... I loved you".
Startled I woke up. I thanked my stars, it was just a dream.
@

Waves...

2006-02-15T18:04:00.000-08:00

"Ripples of thought arise in mind and bring confusion to clear, calm waters of life. Mind in vain tries to catch them with the net of logic and muddies the waters still. It seeks to bait infinity with religion and dogmas. It seeks to measure infinity with a finite vision and claims to have complete understanding. Confuses between infinite forms and loses the vision of forest for the trees. Fights over the debris of words and thoughts floating on waves of time, claiming one to be better than the other, while the vast ocean of truth lies ahead...unexplored. It watches helplessly as the ripples of disturbances it created grow into lashing waves. Where is the peace it asks pointing to the loud lashing waves on the shores. It talks of probability and claims everything should conform to its rules and whims. It sulks and becomes angry when things do not go its way. Torn between ideas of dreams and reality it doubts its own existence and for a moment causing me to doubt my existence. The gaze turns from the play of shadows on the wall to the lamp in the corner of the room, and to my hands that delighted me with their shadow play, the play of shadows ceases and I utter, 'Aham Bramhosmi' (Iam the inifinity, Brihadarnyaka upanishad) ", Jnani thinks as the joy brings a smile.
The Jignasu asks, Who am I?
Jnani replies, 'Shrinvantu vishveh amritasyah putrah' (Hear you child of immortality, Svetashwara upanishad), when the mind ceases its wanderings, and cotemplates on the truth like a child looking into the calm waters of the pond, you will realise that 'Tat Tvam Asi' (You are that,Chanddogya upanishad).

Kabuliwala...

2006-02-09T14:19:00.000-08:00

Open any newspaper, website or a news channel and most likely you will hear about kilings beheadings and bombings by the terrorists. What is the damage they cause? to the property? No..that can be replaced. killing people? Unfortunately when so many are being killed, body count has become just another statistic we stare at for a while before getting lost in our own small world. But the greatest damage these terrorists cause is to the fabric of the society, basic trust on which the socity is all based on.
On one my journeys in a truck, the sikh driver asked me where I was from. On hearing my reply he remarked, when I used to drive truck to your state in late 80's everyone used to suspect me to be a terrorist from punjab hiding from police. I asked him how was the perception of people now, he said it took a long time for that to disappear. I was reminded of the Pathan, I had travelled with...
The train was moving to Guwahati and those were the days after Kandahar incident. A 6.5 foot hefty built guy walked into the compartment with a big bundle of clothes and was looking for a place to sit in the sleeper compartment I was travelling in. I moved a little sideways making place for him. He managed to squeeze his huge body into the small area with his huge arms and legs spreading to the path between the berths. There was a gentleness in his eyes and he reminded me of Kabuliwala of Rabindranath. Soon he was conversing with everyone hapily. He told us that he was a merchant from Afghanistan who sold clothes in some area of Guwahati. He went to Delhi to buy them and was returning. Curious passengers, when they heard he was from Afghanistan asked a lot of questions and he lamented the situation in Afghanistan (Taliban were still in power then). I was watching everyone and occasionally adding a nod or a smile to the conversation. After some time , the train entered Assam and a few policeman boarded the coach. They were looking for possible terrorists and explosives in the train(Which BTW is still very common in NE and was boringly routine for me) and one of the guys stopped and asked the Pathan about his business etc etc. He told him exactly what he had told us a few minutes earlier. I was watching the policeman, who went to the end of the coach and spoke to his colleagues. Few minutes later they appeared and questioned the Pathan again. By this time I was getting angry at the policemen as I suspected that they were after him just to get some money. They questioned him in detail in front of everyone, opened his bundle of clothes which had nothing but loosely tied shawls and blankets of various kinds. He told them with a little pride, 'saab hum do numberi kaam nahin karta hai' . At that point, my sympathies were with Pathan and I was angry at policemen for harrassing a poor man. But a few days later, I read a small newspaper report that a pakistani miliant was caught coming out from the same train I travelled two days ago with a huge cache of explosives and ammunition. I thought about the thankless job that police were doing too, they had to find these perverts while having to deal with thousands of innocents. We only heard of needle in haystack they must be feeling it everyday in their jobs. Dont we all have failed hunches? I could not decide who was wrong, Pathan for having come to NE in search of livelihood or the police doing their duty.
Even many years, I see the same pattern in India and the world again. The damage to property and people killed may not be the worst damage that Al Qaida or Jaish e Muhammad are doing. It is the destruction of trust giving rise to suspicion about a particular community that their henious acts have given rise to that are more damaging in the long run. Frankly, I do not see a way out. God, save this garden from pests!
@

Enduring images...

2006-02-02T16:37:00.000-08:00

There are few things in the world that can inspire by their mere sight or thought. Two of the enduring images I carry are that of Nataraja's cosmic dance and Krishna charioteering Arjuna in the Mahabharata.
Long time ago I visited chidambaram as a kid. An imposing Idol of Nataraja stood in the hallway right next to the 'garbha griha' (the main shrine). Hundreds of earthen lamps lighted with ghee enveloped the image in a heavenly aura and a magic that still endures and inspires. As the time progressed the meaning of the sculpture, the concept itself became even more appealing to me.
In hinduism, bhakti tradition places a great emphasis on music and dance. They are considered to form a direct connection with the god. There is an underlying vedantic concept behind it... both forms of art represent the highest forms of artistic unity because they cannot be separated from their creator. This is what vedanta claims...the creation and the creator are one and the same. They cannot be separated, just as the dance dissolves in the dances the moment dancer stops dancing. No one can separate the dancer and the dance just as creator is integral part of creation. When a dancer stops, where does the dance go? it goes back to the dancer. Then does it mean it didnt exist earlier? No, there was dance and the dancer earlier. Similarly, creation and creator exist only until the creator performs his dance of creation. The moment he stops, everything is dissolved in him.

Nataraja's cosmic dance mirrors this concept in a beautiful way. He is performing a ananda tandava, holding a drum in right hand depicting the primoridal sound and creation. In the left, is the fire depicting the dissolution of the creation. The right foot is placed firmly on the demon named 'apasmara purusha' (ignorant man) showing the conquest of ignorance. His hair sway wildly depicting his escasty. The snake is coiled around his neck to show conquest of desires and the hidden power kundalini( it is described as a coiled snake at the base of spine in tantra). The crecsent moon depicts the waxing and waning of the lifes cycles. Tiger skin around his loin, the courage that is so important in any spiritual quest and life in general. His other right hand is in 'abhaya' (benediction or protection from the ignorance) and the left hand shows the way to reach him...it points directly to the raised left foot. Intrestingly, the pose in which the left hand points to the left foot is called 'gajahasta-mudra' elephant trunk pose and points to Ganesha, the removal of obstacles in the path. Meanwhile, Nataraja is surrounded by a fiery ring of fire, depicting 'shakti' his consort in the creation. The dynamism that is captured in a static image is simply divine.
There is a room next to the main shrine where devotees are taken to see the 'chidambara rahasya' (mystery of chidambara). Its an empty area lit by a single earthen lamp. Maybe that is what it is...empty space symbolic of all pervasive yet invisible the primoridal thread that runs through our very existence and an earthen lamp indicating the light of knowledge to uncover it.
And as an ever inspiring upanishadic verse declares:
Purna madah purna midam, purnaat purna mudachyate,
purnasya purna maadaya, purna mevavah shishyate.
(That is infinite, this is infinite, infiniteness can arise out of infinity;
Infinity alone remains after removing infinity from infinity.
Interestingly this makes perfect mathematical sense too as purnam refers both to zero and infinity in Indian philosophy and maths!)
@

Who were they?

2006-01-26T16:18:00.000-08:00

More often than not, when we remember the past, its the small incidents that we remember. In many of my travels that life has taken me across India, complete strangers helped me, even without my asking, when help was needed the most. Most of them vanished as silently as they had come but left behind a few tracks of fond memories etched in my heart. This is a tribute in my little way to all those mentioned and many more not mentioned here.
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It was a cold winter afternoon and I had just finished appearing for an exam and was feeling hungry since I had eaten nothing since morning. It was already 1 pm and there was a call for 'bandh' given by terrorists and there was no public transport availiable. I managed to get into a BRO (Border Roads Org, the guys who maintain the roads to supply troops in forwards posts, in terrain where mules find it difficult to walk) truck which was headed to Dimapur. I supressed my hunger as I was eager to get back before it was dark. They were the days when ceasefire was not in place and any army vehicle was a prized target for the militants especially in the dark. The driver was a sardarji who enquired in his rustic punjabi style, 'oye munda, khana vaana khayiya ki nayi? (Hey lad did you have anything to eat or not?) I told him not to worry and stop wherever he chose to if neccessary. He didnt say a word, but after a 45 min of journey, he drove into an BRO base camp and took the truck straight to a langar. I watched him get down and appear with a big plate full of food and he asked me to have it. I couldn't just thank him enough for the food and as I started eating it I noticed that he was only having a cup of tea which he could have had on any wayside tea stall. When asked he told me that he already had food. Sardars are not light eaters and the food he brought was sufficient for two guys like me. Somehow I managed to finsih it and was heaving a sigh of relief when he appeared again this time with a big tumbler of 'kheer'. To cut the long story short, he drove happily singing some punjabi songs and he dropped me near my house before vanishing around the corner of the road in darkness. I never remebered his name and prefer to remeber him only as a sardarji.
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I went with my father to visit a place in Bhutan he frequented during his monthly trips to a remote 'site'. My father was off to meet a local official and since the transport is very fast it would take him the entire day. I was left in the office which was no more than a thatched hut with two rooms. One of which served as the bed room and kitchen for the two workers there while the other room was the office cum bedroom for the 'officials'. As I lazed around in the day, one of the workers told me about a bright stone that looked like gold that he found in a secret place somewhere there. He suspected it to be gold. But I was delighted to hear about it as I strongly suspected (with a current course in physical chemistry I was taking at my college!) it to be 'fools gold' an ore of Iron that glitters like gold. Thrilled, I asked him to take me to the place where he found it and he led me through the forests always on lookout for snakes and leeches that were hanging on the branches of the trees rather than being on the ground. We came across a hut of Bhutanese elderman and being tired of walking for almost three hours we went there to ask for some water. The old lady brought me water and offered freshly brewed rice beer and said it is good for health. When I politely refused she roasted a few corn cobs from her field and applied some salt and butter and gave it to me. I still remember how she bowed and folded hands when she was giving us corn cobs or beer. I watched my companion gulp beer and I was curiously absorbed in the simplistic surroundings I was in. Meanwhile she roasted a few more cobs wrapped them carefully in a banana leaf and sent us home. I bow in humility to the elderly couple on a remote hill in Bhutan who served their unkown guests with honor.
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Lush sugarcane fields were swaying graciously in the evening wind. Evening sun was casting his last shadows in his golden glory. I was walking along the shore of river Bheema in Maharastra and came across this farmers hut. The farmer was sitting outside with his wife cooking inside as was apparent from the intermittent smoke rising from the small chimney on their hut. He looked curiously at me as I was walking and was trying to avoid the annoying barks of the lone dog closeby. Feeding hens intermittently raised their heads to watch the stranger. I smiled and the farmer smiled back and with that we struck a conversation. I told him I was an agricultural engineer who studied how to improve the farming. I was curious as to the ways they use to make jaggery and the finer aspects of it. He was more than happy to tell me and lighting a beedi volunteered to show me around his facility where he makes jaggery. I was overjoyed to get an oppurtunity to get first hand knowledge of jaggery making process. To cap it all, when it was time for me to take leave as it was getting dark he asked me to wait for five minutes. He summoned his son and told him something in an accent that I could not understand and the kid sped off to the field. In a few minutes, he came with hands full of freshly harvested sugarcane. The farmer started the engine and put the sugarcane into the crusher while his son came out with few lemons and a glass tumbler. They poured the juice into the glass taking care to avoid any stray fibers and added lemon and offered it to me. As I drank in that glass, from the broken edges of the glass I realised it must have been on of those few 'best' glasses that are reserved for guests in every Indian household. Never in my life did I have a more sweeter sugarcane juice. I folded my hands in gratitude and left silently.
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Only the tall trees among the tea garden could catch the last rays of the setting sun. Most of the birds were silent too except for the lone voice of an unknown bird from somewhere deep in the adjacent forest. The last village bus that brought me sped ahead to its last destination a few miles away on the Indo-Bhutan border bathing me with dust. Largely a village of tea garden workers, there were no lodges. A communication gap caused me to arrive a day earlier than what I told my father. His kingdom was deep in forests, hidden from everyone and thus he had to choose to speak to us. I waited on the road and watched in despair the lock on the only hotel in the village whose owner I met during my previous visit. I saw a man and two kids following him at a distance. As they approached me the man said, 'Babu who are you?' I told him that my father worked in such and such place and I was waiting for him to come next day. He asked me how I would be spending that night and I told him I didnt know. He offered to take me to his house which I accepted gladly. His house was a thatched hut, with two rooms. One big and another small. In the big room they had a 'chulha' in one corner and two old trunks in another. Kids books were stacked neatly against the trunks and their drawing of 'mountains and rivers' pasted on the wall above it. There was also a framed school certificate that was welcoming the visitors. In no time the lady of the house made a few rotis and fed me. I could hear the whispering voices of the children and muffeled voice mother in the next room as I was eating my dinner. Rotis for any poor family in a small town of Bengal are a luxury as I knew they were more expensive than the more common rice. I was given a bed with some blankets covering it. It was made of four bamboo poles and a bamboo mat tied with few wires. The family slept in the adjacent room on a blaket spread on floor. As I slept there, I wondered about the relation between me and the man with two kids and the lady who had just made rotis for me.
Next day my father's office truck arrived and as I left, I gave some money to the man which he promptly refused. I called the little girl and gave her the money and asked her to study well. She smiled and ran to her mother. The only way I think I can ever pay my gratitude is to pass it on, as they say in America.
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These are only a few of the examples I encountered in my motherland. Together we can accomplish a lot more than what we can do alone. Taekwondo taught me that it is true even in crossing seemingly impossible physical obstacles. At times when optimism flickers like the last star of the night looking at the treachery and cunning in the world we live, I remember these people and stand up again with the conviction, that until there is atleast one such person on earth there is hope and I see the golden orb of the rising sun heralding a new dawn.
@

Experiences

2006-01-23T15:54:00.000-08:00

It was a hot summer afternoon. The sweltering heat and the gusty winds made the journey uncomfortable. The loud noise of an arguing couple few berths ahead of the window seat and crying children in next, was supplemented by the inexperienced coconut seller spilling coconut water on the compartment making the floor making it sticky. As the winds blew, train reached 'Cuttack'. They were the years of infamous drought in Kalahandi of Orissa. People were eating mango seed soups to survive and the state ministers were running amock claiming it was the 'traditional' food.
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Vendors surrounded the train as soon as it approached the platform. So did the beggers.
Jignasu wasn't interested in them, he just had a hearty meal of the snacks he bought in the morning. He remembered the shopkeeper gave him a spoiled 5 rupee note and was angry at him. Jignasu was determined to get rid of the wretched note which reminded him of his carelessness. Then he saw her. An old begger, barely able to walk, came to the window Jignasu was sitting. She begged for food. Jignasu thrust into her hands the note, which he knew, no shopkeeper would possibly accept. In a faint voice she pleaded, ' Babu, nobody will accept this note give me 1 rupee instead'. Being reminded of the worthlessness of the note made him more angry and he didnt bother to give her anything more. And the train moved forward, leaving behind a hungry old woman with a note that nobody would accept and would never throw away either. It was a cruel way of treating an old begger, giving hope knowing fully well that it was false.
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As the journey progressed, the train travelled north through Calcutta, the temperatures were a little lower and it made the journey more enjoyable to Jignasu. One and half days of journey had exhausted all the snacks that he had brought. Feeling hungry he summoned the vendor and ordered a pack of soaked peas garnished with spices. As he gave the 50 rupee note, and was about to take the mouthwatering peas, the vendor suddenly said, 'eta na cholbe'(this won't do). Jignasu searched his pockets only to find 500 rupee note for which the small time vendor had no change. Many hours and vendors passed by and no one had a change for 500 rupees note that was useless to satiate the hunger of Jignasu. Finally it was the pantry car guy who broke the note for him. As he happily counted the change, he remembered the sad face of the old woman in Cuttack. He had only felt hunger for half a day and was thinking it was unbearable, what of the woman who might have been hungry for days? On that day, he vowed never to forget the hunger in his affluence. He never remembered the day quite well,but it didn't matter: Perhaps it was a tuesday.
@

Tiger

2006-01-20T15:21:00.000-08:00

The day started on a rather delayed note, as I had overslept. So, hurriedly I finished the daily ritual of breakfast and filled my mug with steaming tea and set off to work. It was a bright morning and uncharacteristically yet welcomingly warm for a mid january morning. As I hurriedly walked to the bend in the road, I noticed I had company. As I sharply turned around and looked straight into the eyes, he was wagging his tail and staring me with equally mischevious eyes. He was obviously in a playful mood. Horror struck, I shooed him and said,"Tiger, go back to house". As if mocking me he sped across the road ignoring the lone car turning around the corner at 40 mph. I heart skipped a beat..rather several. For once, I thought 40 mph was dangerous speed!

To any spectator watching, it would have reminded the movie 'Tramp' where trapped in a lion's cage, Chaplin tries to shoo a little dog that is barking at him and is about to awake the sleeping lion. I cajoled him again..no he wouldnt budge. Perhaps he wanted me to play with him as I had the previous day in the house. I threw objects and he fetched them for me and thought it was a very interesting game. Now I cursed myself for doing that as this dog wouldnt let me go to work. All kinds of scenarios of a dog being injured or worse killed on a street and the house owner I was staying with suing me for that and me being deported to India flasjhed before my eyes. I also imagined a NY times headline, " An Indian terrorist responsible for the death of a poor dog in PA". A few beads of perspiration accumulated on my brow.

Now I stopped threatening and held my hand as if it had something for the dog to eat. But he was as cunning as 'Attila' ( R.K. Narayanan's story) and knew in an instant that I wasnt having anything in my hand and sped past me into someone elses house. Now, I remembered my fathers's words, spare the rod and spoil the child. Unfortunately, I wasn't in a position to use his advice in a country where the pets are called 'companion animals'.

Perhaps he realised the meek look in my eyes. That of a helpless graduate student as I stood on the pavement. He came near me, and as I tried to grab him he sped across the road now causing my heart to beat twice its usual rate. I tried different strategies..ranging from pleading, cajoing, ignoring and threatening.. all in vain.

Finally I remembered gajendra mokhsa story and surrendered. As I walked back to home, he was following me always maintaining a safe distance of about ten steps. I gave a look of desperation and meekness and said tiger don't come with me. Whether it took mercy on me or played enough I still don't know. But this time he didnt follow me. I felt relieved as if I had achieved something and laughed my way to work!
@

Who are we?

2006-01-17T17:29:00.000-08:00

Severed from internet, it was a forced break. But now thinking of it, they were worthwhile two days. Sitting next to a fireplace sipping a big cup of tea, reading a novel and playing with a dog wasn't that bad after all. As I came out of my shell, tall trees surrounding the house looked serene as if they were sages in deep meditation. Winter breeze spoke in hushed voices in my ears. The winding path up the hill to workplace effused youthfullness. Impending deadlines, concerns about career, life in general and all other storms inside seemed to ebb under the silent gaze of the winter sun. Shouts of playing children in a house I just passed resembled a running mountain stream. I emerged refreshed and came to the lab to read the blog of a friend to find how beautifully a contemplation in silence was described. I wonder, are we human beings on a spritual journey or spiritual beings on a human journey...
@

Language of the eyes.

2006-01-06T09:47:00.000-08:00

There are times when words are insufficient for expression, silence too mysterious and heart aches to speak. There are times when mind is unable to comprehend and put into words the feelings of heart, its in those times that the eyes speak.
They speak of determination in the eyes of defiant,
Of rage in the eyes of furious,
Of valour in the eyes of fearless,
Of hate in the eyes of oppressed,
Of love in the eyes of beloved,
Of hopelessness in the eyes of depressed,
Of loneliness in the eyes of disheartened,
Of shyness in the eyes of bashful,
Of verdict in the eyes of judgemental,
Of hurt in the eyes of cheated,
Of empathy in the eyes of devoted,
Of peace in the eyes of serene,
Of sadness in the eyes of heartbroken,
Of surprise in the eyes of curious,
Of shame in the eyes of disgraced,
Of pleasure in the eyes of ecstatic,
Of fear in the eyes of coward,
Of joy in the eyes of enlightened,
Of sensitivity in the eyes of gentle,
Of greatness in the eyes of humble,
Of commitment in the eyes of passionate,
Of exhaustion in the eyes of weary,
Of energy in the eyes of youthful,
Of affection in the eyes of sympathetic,
Of understanding in the eyes of wise,
and the truth is that when the eyes speak, hearts listen.
@

Looking back to move forward...

2005-12-31T16:03:00.000-08:00

This time of the year, almost everyone of us looks back and wonders how was the past year?
And looking back and pondering over things is one of my favourite past times too. So here Iam, as 2005 comes to an end and while waiting for the simulation to complete, thinking of the past year. How should I evaluate it? What should be the criteria to evaluate an year of life?
As a discovery channel ad said, "When was the last time you did something for the first time...Discover". Applying this criteria, yes new frontiers were explored, that I never thought existed and few new friends made. Few important lessons were learnt the hard way, yet in the end thats what mattered...lessons learnt. Progress was visible to others but things seemed to have stagnated to me. However, it was all not gloomy as the few things achieved do seem to give a confidence that I can do things I planned and challenge to set higher goals, while the failures urge me to conquer them . As the year ends, I can feel a kind of quite resolve emerging as the challenges invite me, and Rabindranath Tagore's song rings in my ear:
"Jodi tor dakshune keu naa aashe tobhi ekla chalo re..."
@

Of penguins, families and life

2005-12-26T11:33:00.000-08:00

Yesterday I watched a movie, rather a documentary: March of penguins. Thought overloaded with work, I decided to watch after a friends blog on the movie got me interested. One of the things that struck me was the incredible struggle that Emperor penguins undertake to raise their chicks. Travelling over 70 miles by foot they spend most of their time enduring harshest climate on earth. What explains it? Pure evolution? May be yes..but I see something more to it. Even though Iam not a biologist, I can safely say that there are two ways an organism responds to the threat for their new born. Organisms like fish, rabbits and sparrows(just an example to show the generalisation) produce a lot of off springs which have low probability of survival..either they bet on numbers. Others prefer having one or two off springs which are taken care of extremely well or they are raised in realtively inaccessible places from the predators. Examples include humans, eagles, whales, elephants and well after the movie penguins. Looking at their situation I couldnt imagine why they did not adopt the first approach, stay close to the sea and bet on numbers as many brids seem to do. Why they needed to stay hungry for over four months, trek back and forth to sea to get food while dodging sea lions and bear (seemingly) unneccesary pain. I definitely think life is more than just pure evolution and a desire to preserve genes through progeny.
One more observation was how important the roles of both male and female was in raising a offspring. I never believed men and women were equal, rather thought of them as two irreplacable parts of a circular jigsaw. Both have a role to play and that was really well highlighted to my surprise not just in humans but also in birds.
Finally after the movie a friend commented that there were many steps which the chicks had to meet death to which another friend remarked..its not different levels of death that they meet. For that just one would be sufficient. Its about different levels of life. True indeed.
@

Conversations...

2005-12-21T21:00:00.000-08:00

It was a tiring day and I was lying on the bed trying to study a paper and was already half asleep. It was one of those states where you know you are dreaming but you are wakeful enough to 'drive' the dream the way you like!
Then I thought I dreamt of god. I could just hear the voice and don't remember whether the voice was that of a male or female.
I wanted to ask for many things like a kid let loose in a supermarket store. He ( I will just use 'he' I dont really know whether what god is like) told me to go ahead and speak my mind to him and ask him what I wanted.
I started off...
" I also want a successful life, a lot of fame, money, luxury and every comfort a man can dream of". He asked,"Thats nothing,ask for something big", he told.
"I want to have a good and happy life" ,I said. He replied, " Is that all? How do you make your life happy?"
I realised the things I was asking would not make me happy unless...
So I asked him, "God , give me courage to withstand troubles, strength to bear every difficulty with a smile, innocence to be able to laugh at myself as easily as I laugh at others, compassion to emphatize with others, honesty to have no regrets later, ability to convincingly tell a few white lies, act angry if it can prevent others from being hurt, hope to perservere, pragmatism to survive, dreams to work towards, faith in truth.
Bless me so that no one leaves my home hungry, I never break the trust of people believing in me, give my best to every one who asks me for help, share my happiness with the world and bury my sorrows deep in heart, stand like a rock in the face of my difficulties and gentle as flower in difficulties of others. "
God said, "whatever you asked for deserves to be given, but you are missing is tha the duality exists in every thing. Good and bad things are all relative. What you may see as courage may be seen by others as foolishness, innocence branded as insensitivity, what you call white lies may be seen as plain lying, hope looked down upon as madness, pragmatism may be called ruthlessness, compassion as being too soft, dreams, well...just day dreams "
I thought for a long time and said, "There are so many good and bad things and I dont know what to ask. OK then, give me the strength and courage to rise above good and bad, transcend the duality to see the unity that pervades everything and be free."
God said,"you now begin to have an idea. You were never bound to be freed by someone else. The water drop becomes the ocean the moment it merges in the ocean. When the forms dissolve into the formless you will be beyond the confusions and will have an understanding that trancends the knowledge. Thats what you are seeking. Realise that"
I was jolted out of sleep by the sound of alarm, it was already 6.45am and had to rush to the meeting with my advisor.

Game theory, moksha, maximisation and a crazy grad. student

2005-12-12T21:47:00.000-08:00

We all seek happiness. A simple question that often arose in me was, why? Why do we seek to be always happy? I think because it is in our nature to be happy and we seek it. Then what is it that prevents us from being happy all the time? If its our nature to be happy, why do we have to seek it? It was a hard question for me, never completely understood it.

It seems that the world has a more basic law than second law of thermodynamics(maximisation of entropy or loosely speaking disorder) that drives it : Maximisation of
happiness. It seems to work for every living thing and there are no contradictions know till date (IMHO).
Then how can this law explain selfish behaviour, which seems to bring a lot more misery to the world than the happiness?

Consider an interesting possibility, that is commonly examined in game thoery problems: Insufficient information (can we call it ignorance?)
If we impose maximisation of happiness law on the game thoery scenario where the prisoners do not have the clear picture of what the other prisoner will do, you have got the selfish behavior..As this is driven to maximize personal happiness, which is of course the best possible course to take if we do not have the big picture in mind. This is in striking resemblance to what vedanta says.. Ignorance is the cause of all miseries. If one does not have sufficient information/ understanding of the global happiness function then logically one tries to maximise it locally(personally!).

Maybe the people who understand the nature of the happiness can apply maximisation globally and become free from the local effects. Is it the moksha that a hindu desires or the nirvana that a buddhist seeks? Whats my choice of maximization? its definitely global. What is the form of function? Your guess is as good as mine!
@

Questions

2005-12-10T13:03:00.000-08:00

Jignasu asked:Many times people ask me what I want to be, and what would you say if I asked you the same?
Jnani: Why would you seek to be someone or something?
Jignasu: Of course to be happy to find peace and enjoy life.
Jnani: Then the more important question is, what/who are you? When you say you want to be something, you are seeking something thats not in you. How can a true yogi seek anything being everything and nothing at the same time. The knowledge of self will clear the clouds of doubt and you will never want to be; as you will know you are everything that you everwanted to be.
Ignorance of the self creates an illusion of separateness just as a lid would separate air inside from air outside. The knowedge of self removes that and creates an illusinory union. The air in the vessel belongs to the vessel as much as it does to the sky it is under. So, even the ignorance of self and quest for knowledge of self are manifestations of the same ignorance of the the oneness that pervades everything and beyond. One who has understood this will equally be at ease in a remote cave as well as inmidst of all the worldly concerns, yet will remain free spirit as always.

On failures...

2005-12-05T22:36:00.000-08:00

Its not where you fell, but where you slipped that you should think about, says an old saying. Everyone of us have faced failures in life, some big, some small, and yet we live through them. No matter what, we endure all failures except the ones where we die. Even those may not be the end of the road. The point is, that failures as such may not be a big thing in themself than the attitude with which one deals with them. There is ofcourse no greater failure and misery than not trying. As someone said, it does not matter if you lose as long as you don't lose the lesson. And the chinese proverb captures the spirit of perserverance aptly, "stand up just one more time than you fall and you shall be through". Many a times situations may seem hopeless, nevertheless by pushing ourselves we may atleast show the way for others. As Gita says(2nd chapter), if dead you will enjoy the heaven, and if you win you will enjoy the earth..so why do you despair to fight on a righteous path? Beyond enjoying heaven or earth is the point that krishna makes in (11th chapter??) , the war will be fought with or without you, you are just an instrument in the divine hand. Claim not the victory or the failure as yours, for you are just an medium nothing more. This way, he says you can be free from all actions you do.
When one is unaffected by outcome of an action and only has a sense of duty towards doing it..how can a failure depress you or why would a success elate you? To such a person, playing with a small child may be as joyful as winning an award or surpassing a limit. Yet he/she would do the job with perfection and walk away from it without looking to possess either the creation, or the fame that comes from the accomplishment. One of the things that drives such a person is their level headedness in both sucess and failure.

Long time ago in one of the reflective moments these words flashed,
"Every success comes with the fear of failure and every failure with the hope of success".

Freedom

2005-11-29T19:41:00.000-08:00

It is an ordinary plant in a small pot on the shelf near my desk. For a long time it somehow escaped my attention until one day my colleague asked me to take care of her plant as she would be gone on a long vacation. That's when I started to observe the plant a little more closely. I used to water it, by emptying the bottle of leftover water. The plant had severe symptoms of nitrogen deficiency, I thought a little ammonium sulphate would encourage growth....but the thought that the plant would grow too big for the pot stopped me..I didnt want to starve the plant at a later date. I tried to conserve the nutrients it was losing by putting back the yellow dry leaves that fell on my desk every now and then.
The thought that the plant was a prisoner in the pot always made me sad. It was like caging a bird or putting a fish in a bowl. People might argue that we give them the best care possible. Something that would not be availiable to them in wild. But is that worth loosing one's freedom?Do we have to trade for the luxuries and security in life with the freedom? We assume they would like it in a cage and think of the description the author gives of what Gulliver felt when caged by the 'big people' (I forget their name) ...putting sword fight shows, held by little girls as a toy and being taken for a walk on the sea shore before an eagle swoops and carries the cage away! One of the poems in my Hindi textbook mentioned the tale of a bird in a golden cage fed with choicest of nuts yet still longed for freedom. What is it that drives us to be free?

Man, they say, is free by nature, but I think every living thing is free by nature. There is a finer aspect to this freedom. Most of us consider only physical freedom and seldom think of freedom of thought. How often do we follow things to confirm to 'society' and tend to go with the group? behaving more like a flock of sheep than a fiercely independent lion? Have we traded the freedom of thought for physical freedom that we enjoy? The plant on my desk always inspires me to be free and tells me not to be bound by any limits and listen only to one voice...the voice of consicence, present in everyone of us. And every time I stand up for the little guy and do something that my conscience tells me is right,even at the cost of my hurt ego, the little plant seems to smile and thats the way I keep it alive.
Jignasu.

Agnosticsm...does vedanta consider it?

2005-11-20T20:48:00.000-08:00

One of the suktas in Rig veda (earliest veda) is nasadiya sukta (10th Mandala, 129th Suukta). It appears to succinctly state what many agnostics believe(am I right here? not being one, I really dont know) . It starts off saying that in the beginning there was no being or nonbeing(implied is the meaning that the world as we know had a beginning!) And goes on further to describe how the world came about...but the details are very sketchy; but any one who is familiar with big bang theory would clearly see the connection...darkness in the beginning, then the supreme being stirred and the light and heat produced the worlds as we know it. Then comes the part that any agnostic would really love.. it says since everything in the universe including devas came after the being...they would not know precisely what the conditions were before them.
Indeed, final remark is classical: The being/non being in the highest heaven (used figuratively here not the usual heaven-hell type funda) out of which everything came about may know or perhaps does not!!

Later suktas (eg purusha sukta) were more gnostic and firmly believed in a higher being who not only enveloped the earth and universe but also extended beyond it. They discuss the relevance of yagnas. This is also the first hymn to mention the division of society into four castes.

This could be the starting point for all the concepts emphasising on faith in the supreme truth/being before one could attain union. One of the examples that comes to mind is that one would have a great deal of problems if we are confined to a 2D manifold and then tried to understand a 3D world. The visualisation of 3D world comes only at a great practice and requires not only practice but in the initial stages faith that there could be a 3D world before we really get out of the 2D world. Perhaps there is a sound logic for the having faith in god before we could understand and merge in god...maybe the one in the highest heaven knows or may be he doesnt!!

For further reading:
http://members.tripod.com/~anusandhan/articles/article.html

http://members.cox.net/apamnapat/articles/Suktas003.html

Quest

2005-11-17T08:32:00.000-08:00

How do we define death? It was a topic of the first ever blog written by me. Indeed it is queer that one should start with something many thinks of as bad. As many would agree, death is one of the best kept secrets of nature followed only by life. One of the questions that was posed by yaksha to eldest of pandavas was, what is the strangest thing of all. The reply was, everyone knows that they would die someday yet they behave as if they were immortal. The more I think of it, truer it seems.
By the way, what does the inevitability of death teach? Doesnt it tell us that, while it would be foolish to wait for the inevitable death by despairing(as Bhagavad Gita says in 2nd chapter) it would be even more foolish to quicken that journey by not caring for ourselves.

With its deepest silence, doesn't death shout in our face, only if we care to listen, that most important things in life are not things at all. The tracks that we leave behind us, the effect we have on the happiness quotient of the world are all that matter. Whether we made a lot of fame or money, visited so many places of worship, had the best car, best house in town don't really matter in larger scheme of things. Doing the best possible, according to ones abilities, for the best of others is the message of inevitable death that could guide our lives. Maybe its in that contentment one finds real meaning of life...completing a QUEST to transcend life and death.

Struggles...

2005-11-09T13:07:00.000-08:00

Wake up, said a sweet voice. She didn't know where it was coming from and looked around only to find the dark confines of her house. That was strange; she had lot of space before she went to sleep yet it looked a little cramped now. She seemed to grow bigger in the sleep. Anyway, she listened more carefully, wake up and come out said the voice, sweet with kindness and love. She opened a small window only to be blinded by the brilliant light outside. She tried to come out, but alas the small opening was too small for her size. She couldn't come out.
Come out dear, said the sweet voice. I cant, I am too big said she.
Try harder my dear child, said the voice outside.
Who are you, she asked.
Iam your mother, said the same voice.
I don't want to come out. I'll be mocked by my friends as being ugly. Thats why I hid here after my lunch, she said. No my dear, you are the most beautiful of them all. Come out and see for yourself, said her mother's voice.
After a while she got accustomed to the light outside and she could now see clearly. On looking at a beautiful butterfly she blurted,"You cannot be my mother. Iam an ugly caterpillar. I dont want to come out". Trust me and try harder my dear, said her mother.
She struggled hard. It was painful to come out. She stopped many times, exhausted only to be cajoled into action by her mother. After a strenuous effort she was out of her self imprisoned coccoon and lo! she could fly now. She flew with her mother to the nearby pond. It was beautiful sunny day, with many nectar filled flowers swaying their heads in the gentle breeze as if someone was immersed in a divine music. Her mother taught her how to delicately drink the nectar from the flowers without damaging their gentle petals. In the cool calm waters of the pond flying alongside beautiful dragonflies and humming bees, she could see a beautiful young butterfly with multicoloured wings flying beside the bigger butterfly.

The stuggles are important in our life, they teach us to be human, to try harder and go past the boundaries we set for ourselves in thought and action. Just like the transformation of a caterpillar to beautiful butterfly, we all have the potential to transform ourselves. To become from someone who is a burden to the plants that fed to someone who drinks nectar yet does no harm to even the most delicate flowers.

But the question is, do we try hard enough? Look straight into the eyes and ask the guy in the mirror, you'll know.

Vedanta and Secularism

2005-11-05T07:22:00.000-08:00

It was one of those typical days when jnani and jignasu were talking their walk after dinner. Jnani was a wise man and Jignasu expected him to be of broad mind and wanted to know what he thought of other religions. Jignasu asked him suddenly, are you secular? Jnani shot back, what is being secular? Jignasu said, it means to be tolerant of all religions; accepting them to be true. To Jignasu's utter surprise, he answered, then Iam not at all secular because neither do I tolerate all religions nor do I accept them all as totally true.
Jignasu pleaded him to explain the rationale to him. Jnani said, " You tolerate something that is wrong, not something that you believe is right. So in that way, I cannot tolerate all religions as I look at them as different paths to the same goal. But as different paths are just means to reach the goal and by themselves cannot define the goal, they can all be true. what is 3+2?" five, Jignasu said. Then what is 1+4? again five so you see? How is this related to god and religions, Jignasu asked. Jnani said, you have no problem in accepting that there could be so many ways just to get to one point on a number line, think of how many ways there could be in getting to that supereme truth of whom the numer is just one manifestation. So do not say you tolerate other religions, say they are other ways to get to the same destination. I do not accept all of the religions as completely true either, because the process of getting to the number cannot tell us anything about the number itself.
Remember the story of blind men and the elephant, while one called it to be like a tree, one said it was like a brush..knowing all these options will help you see the reason behind all religions. But religions cannot and should not stop at knowing one/ all the options. Their utility is just as a tool to help us see the whole elephant. For that what you need is vision and for that you need to open the spiritual eyes. Once the elephant is known all the religions are simultaneously true and false. After that like the two numbers used to get to the sum, the utility of religions remains just what it is... a tool. Do not be attatched to your religion either, because by doing so you say that there is only one way of getting to the number.
This requires you to revise everything you have known and to complicate the matters, no one can help you, you are on your own as you are given both the strength and resposibility to find that yourself.
Therefore rise up and be strong; physically, mentally, morally, and spiritually.

On Delhi blasts:

2005-11-03T13:43:00.000-08:00

Jignasu heard about the acts of terrorism that extinguished so many lamps of life in the month of ramadan on the eve of diwali..a festival to celebrate victory of knowledge over ignorance, a victory of righteousness against tyranny. How could anyone place a bomb in a public place specifically chosen because there would be many people there, set off the timer and just walk away as if nothing had happened? He felt sad for the families but there was nothing that could be done to compensate their loss. Maniacs like these were the weeds in the society and had to be continuously uprooted as even one rotten apple could spoil the entire basket. When will these mad men realise that killing people will only harden the will of the nation, cannot weaken it. There is not one instance in history of mankind has anyone been able to subjugate other by force. Sure, there are times when power of tyranny wiped the weaker one, but still it was not a win it was just destruction. In contrast, India dominated the culture of china for two millenia without ever having to send a soldier across her borders.
Jnani came in and said, ignorant intoxicated by power always underestimate the stregth and resilence of silent majority. The next day, he heard of reports of people celebrating diwali as a definace to the terrorists and in their own way showed they could not be broken by terror. Closer home, when he saw people light the lamps and struggling to keep them burning against a cold wind, the perserverance of few people to light the extinguished lamps many times a smile came across his face and was reminded of the couplet Jnani told a long time ago:

Woh hamein rulakar has na paye der tak,
jab hum ro kar muskuraye der tak.
(They couldnt laugh for long at us after making us cry,
For we smiled for a long time after we cried.)

Of fractals and grad student life!

2005-10-30T16:35:00.000-08:00

One of my roommates..lets call him turbulence for it reflects both his research and his random behaviour ( I enjoy it!!) most of the times, made this interesting observation.
It all started in the morning when I was sitting on my throne and having ambrosia (well,I mean I was having tea in the morning!) . Instinctively, I went to my couch and he reached for the corner of the long couch..just like everyday. Thats when he made the remark of how monotonos our lives had become..Everyday MEMS (my other roomate) alarm rings, turbulence gets up, gets ready..wakes me up if Iam still asleep and then the alarm rings again and then MEMS gets up and we all meet for five minutes..they make some comment mostly ridiculing me and then we head off to our offices...turbulence first , followed by me or mems.
We work, turbulence comes home at 6.30, then MEMS and finally me, unless we are cooking on that day. We prepare dinner and by 9.00 we are off again to offices/labs. turbulence come again at 10.30/ 11.00 goes to bed. Me or MEMS come a little later.Usually by 1.00 and we go to bed. There ends one day.Repeat this five times and lo! you have friday evening. We get a movie, watch and sleep early that day, wake up a little late on sat. and still repeat the routine religiously.

Point in all this is, on a gross level, everything is mundane and repetitious. Zoom out and you will find the routine I described to be like a fractal. Zoom out to an year and may be a decade and compare it to an average person and its all the same. How different are our lives as compared to billions others, may be a little different in little detail but at a gross level its all the same.. we all have the same worries, concerns, and feelings.

I think all we are all free from this monotonicity as children. We played whenever we wanted, slept, cried, laughed, did stupid things just for the heck of it..in essence we were free. And gradually as the years progressed, we tie ourselves in knots..trying to be successful (be that in pursuit of money, education or fame). We want to be 'something' and for that we think we should do' something' and what starts off as a small practice becomes an established habit and is difficult to get out of...Just like fractals; A small difference in microstructure somewhere shows up as an entirely different shape after 'n' repetitions. While most of the time we dont realise this, there are obviously eureka times where we find the repetition boring and yearn for something new. May be its time for us to get back to childhood...stop trying to be something/someone and just let things flow and keep doing the best every moment, enjoying the life now rather than saving the happiness for the times 'after achieving that goal'(ever elusive!)
Yet, dreams and hope are like two wings of a bird called man. Without either of them we are wingless birds.

Usha...

2005-10-30T07:20:00.000-08:00

The cool breeze blew through the yellow autumn leaves that trembled like the hands of a nervous maid. The ground beneath the big maple tree looked all set to welcome the unknown guest with a golden carpet. The old pine tree stood firm like a gaurd at the palace gates. The scurrying squirrels, chasing each other and breaking a odd nut, seemed like servants preparing for a big event. The reddish leaves still on the trees fluttered like flags and the rustle of the leaves resembled the hushed voices of the people lined up on the streets to welcome a great guest. Few birds were singing an unknown song in the language of happiness.
As jignasu went on his long walks, he could almost hear the wind whisper in his ears. He was curious; who was this the guest for whom the golden carpet was laid and the entire world was preparing? He looked to the east and saw the first ray of dawn, the first ray of light on whose touch the dew drops on the blades of grass shone like sparkling diamonds.
It was the dawn of life and the first rays of hope that come after the testing times of a long cold wintry night.

Reflections...

2005-10-25T15:15:00.000-07:00

The guy in the mirror

I didnt like him and wanted to avoid him. So, I smashed the mirror...Now I was seeing hundreds like him. They were all angry and sneering at me. My world was filled with anger and hurt. Then came Jnani, and he didnt make me forget or laugh but made me think and understand. That's when I realised, how the guy in the mirror might have felt looking at me. Jnani smiled with his wisdom and I smiled back with the quiet contentment in heart. So what if I cannot mend the mirror, atleast I will not break another. I may have lost the mirror, but now I have hundred broken smiles and joy in heart. Now I could be sure that I wouldnt see him angry again in my world of joy.
Jignasu.
This could have been Jignasu's entry in the dairy on a day he was angry!

(This was a wave of thought that suddenly came to me when I was walking past the library door and smiled at my reflection!! :) )

On faith and attachment...

2005-10-23T03:21:00.000-07:00

Jignasu had problems with blind faith in anything. In the beginning, when he did not know Jnani well, he used to doubt everything Jnani said. Jignasu argued, how could one have faith in someone one didnt know well, how could he be sure that Jnani was not one of the hundreds who only look but don't see, hear but don't listen, know but don't understand? How could he be sure that Jnani had true wisdom and not just knowledge? Did not the kathopanishad say that people arrogant in their knowledge that they alone know the supreme and their followers are like blind men led by the blind man on a hilly region...forever destined to roam without peace?
He asked the same question to Jnani once and he calmly smiled and told him a story...

Once there was a mountaineer who wanted to conquer a peak. He wanted to set a record and was climbing at a very fast rate. He left all his team members far behind. He was climbing fater and faster and wanted to make it to the summit before the sunset. The weather became rough and a violent storm appeared on the flanks of the mountain. But the mountaineer kept on pushing determined to reach the summit. It became quite dark, yet he kept on moving braving the stormy weather. But as fate would have it, there was an avalanche and the mountaineer dropped into the abyss below...As he began to fall, all his life passed before him like a flash, he thought he would die and suddenly his rope became taut and he was there hanging in the air... in pitch darkness. He had lost the orientation and didnt know where he was. He remembered God and prayed him to save his life. There was a voice from above, which said, 'Son do you want me to save your life?'. Please do, replied the mountaineer. 'Then cut the rope' said the voice. On listening to this, mountaineer kept quiet and held on more tightly to the rope.
In the morning, his other team members found his body, hanging from a cliff...Just four feet above the ground.

In our life, things we do and the goals we seek are towards a purpose; and that really is to understand ourselves better and be happy. But like an archer, we can strike the target partly by pulling and partly by letting some things go. So are the things in our life, if we cling to our past, the arrow will never leave the bow. and if we don't reflect and act in the present, the arrow will fall short of the target in future. So son, having faith is important before you have capability to see the truth yourself. Have faith and realise the truth. But having faith in truth does not imply that you should cease your quest. It infact should motivate you to realise the truth. And finally, like true love, true faith will make you stronger. If it does not, then neither is it true love nor is it faith. Its just another delusion.

Jnani now turned to Jignasu and asked, how tightly do you hold on to your ropes son?

Epilogue:
To those of you who read a lot of quotes, etc many of the entries in this blog may sound familiar. Indeed they are, these ideas have been absorbed by me over the years and I don't really know their source most of the times. So, I do not claim to be an original author. I stand on the shoulders of great thinkers of all ages (this is similar to Issac Newton's quote :) ). I would consider my effort successful if I can evoke the same feelings, I feel when I think about these issues, in the readers as is the norm in the Indian dramatic tradition.

On Journeys...Part2

2005-10-19T12:42:00.000-07:00

I always felt a meditative peace when the sky changes colours at dawn and dusk, landscapes changing from lush paddy fields of bengal to red loamy soils of orissa, to the rocky great deccan pleatue, lush evergreen forests of northeast, 1000 ft high bridges and mile long tunnels in cachar (assam), temperate forests of MP, monsoon forests on western ghats, birds on the chilka lake, coconut plantations in kerala, temples of tamilnadu, sugarcane plantations in western UP.Same areas that were ripe with harvest on my on ward journey being harvested on return trip, by farmers with their bullocks grazing lazily, tractors parked in the fields, their children playing under the shade of the trees or jumping into the nearby pond.

Gusty hot winds blowing across the hot barren landscapes in summer, lonely bird flying high in search of water, people lining up around the taps in stations. And on return journey, copassengers trying hard to close the windows to prevent rain and rain water seeping through and children (I confess, I did it too : ) putting their faces on the glass between the window grill to catch a glimpse of the terrain outside. The water logged fields, overflowing streams and the water from ganga overflowing through the farakka barrage gates; and the most impressive sight of all, mighty bramhaputra(BTW this is the ONLY river that has a masculine name) flowing silently at guwahati inspiring a great respect is a humbling experience.

Journeys in winter had a charm of their own and that where I learnt that hot chai on a chilly winter morning is one of the best things one could think of. It always seemed that whatever amount of clothes I carry, it was always a little colder :) and had to tug the naga shawl more tightly around myself and still kept the window open (glass obstructs the view) much to the annoyance of my copassengers.

As someone said, life is a journey, not a race. Its true meaning exists as much in a successful journey as in a successful conclusion.

On Journeys...part1

2005-10-19T09:34:00.000-07:00

One of the things I enjoy the most, is to go on long journeys. Back in India, I had the oppurtunity (I should say honour!!) to travel extensively, mostly on trains. One of the fascinating aspects of the journeys was that complete strangers would become friends by the time they depart ( I have had discussions with people who would describe their aspirations, their upcoming music album releases, and yes even marital woes to me by the end of the journey!!) , but would not meet again...How similar it is to our life. We meet so many people and become good friends and yet when the day comes we depart probably never to meet again. All we are left with is good memories and a few lessons.

And its on train journeys that I learnt a lot of my lessons, looked closely at the common man in India. Even on a train journey, one must travel by sleeper class not A/C to see the common man. India can be experienced in the chai walas, chana walas, vendors selling the small trinkets and the beggers displaying their awesome talent at singing and playing an improverised instruments ( I envy their skills!!) . People bargaining, some talking on their cell phones, few reading some novels and magazines on the upper berth maintaining a distance from everyone else, people in crumpled clothes discussing about world bank strategies and Indian foreign policy, existence of god, equivalence of religions or the superiority of one...That is what life for common man in India is like.

One of my favourite berths is the side lower seat that spans two windows and offers a majestic look of the landscape with the comfort of a large leg room! Besides, it is a vantage point from where you can have a careful look at all the wares that vendors (both inside and outside the train) sell! :) The best times are when the train travels at night and one can feel the breeze on ones face and watch lights of distant houses. I get lost in those houses and used to imagine how the life would be going on, perhaps a student studying late night or a family watching TV, or a marriage celebration going on and then I could reflect on my life as an unattatched spectator and often find new meanings and derive inspiration.

What is the purpose of education?

2005-10-16T10:10:00.000-07:00

I often wondered what was the purpose of all the technical stuff I learn. Was it a means to earn money, be rich and lead a luxurious life? After a long time, I came across an interpretation of a shloka taught in 8/9 class sanskrit in KV (kendriya vidyalaya, Iam a proud student of KV).
The shloka goes as:
Vidya dadati vinayam, vinyadyati patrataam,
patratvaam dhanam aaptnoti, dhanaat dharmam, tatah sukham.

Translated roughly into english:
Education leads to humility, humility to excellence,
excellence leads to riches, riches to righteousness, and righteousness to happiness.

The wisdom of our elders in placing each of the things in the particular sequence had me bow to them in humility.
They placed humility between Education and excellence...of what use is education if it is not temperd by humility? How many intelligent fools have we not seen, who do not realise that there is always someone better than they are, and they were not born with all the knowledge; but acquired it, just like the others whom they look down upon!

Then they placed righteousness between riches and happiness. We now live in a world, where a persons happiness is measured by the luxuries he has. We live in an intensely personalized world, where individuality to the extreme is considered the norm. Caring for others, letting go of a few luxuries is looked down upon. Most of the problems we see amongst intelligentia is that they care too little for others, they are too much looking at themselves and their immediate families.Not that it is not wrong, but anything carried beyond a point assumes the tones of irresponsibility to the society we live in. With all their wisdom, the elders placed the righteous conduct before happiness. For true happiness is not in riches, its in the joy of giving and living for others...
On this note, one of my favourite quote is by R.W.Emerson,
To laugh often and much;
to win the respect of intelligent people and the affection of children;
to earn the appreciation of honest critics and endure the betrayal of false friends;
to appreciate beauty;
to find the best in others;
to leave the world a bit better, whether by a healthy child, a garden patch or a redeemed social condition;
to know even one life has breathed easier because you have lived.
This is to have succeeded. ~ RW Emerson

Random walks

2005-10-12T11:57:00.000-07:00

Jignasu liked to walk on the streets all alone at nights. He liked the strange silence that inspired a tide of peace to swell in him. He walked on these very roads many times but everytime he felt a strange sense of attraction to the transformation that came about in few hours. Roads that were so full of life a few hours ago seemed to be deserted. People were in their houses, sleeping in their warm beds, talking to each other in their rooms or staring at their televison sets. Jignasu saw the lights of of televison sets and heard the muffled voices and laughter as he went past the windows of houses that lined both sides of the streets. The cool breeze brought him back to life after a day of strenuos work. It was on one of those walks Jnani asked him long ago, how exactly do you define fearlessness? It was a day when he felt very depressed, looking at the world. There were divisons of every possible kind..based on gender, race, religion, caste, relationships. How can he live in this world so full of selfish motives? He decided that he should renounce the world and live a religious life in a forest and attain salvation. He went to Jnani to ask him to initiate him as a monk. Jnani instead told him that one of the first characteristics of a religious man is his fearlessness. A religious man would not fear even God. Jnani reasoned that someone who is afraid of anything is not bold enough to withstand the truth. If he is still afraid that he will loose something then there are traces of ignorance still left in him. What is there to loose if you believe there is god in everything?

After that day, Jignasu is still in the world he thought was full of petty motives, working with passion to do his bit and perhaps... a little more, in improving the life for people around him either with kind words, or a patient ear or a small gesture of kindness and understanding.
He celebrated life yet was unattatched to things around him and most importantly was at peace with himself and the world around him. Neither did he fear the world nor did the world fear him....

Epilogue:
In stories, I always tend to use the words Jnani and Jignasu as I feel they accurately describe what I want to say. I do not know english words that capture the richness of the characters, their dilemmas I mean to convey just with their names. Both these words have a metaphysical/spiritual sense attatched to them. But I'll try to explain what the words mean...

Jignasu is a sanskrit word which means seeker/someone curious to learn.
Jnani is another word that means one who knows/realised one.

Jnani therefore has been through all the confusions and vacillations that Jignasu finds himself in.
Every Jignasu has a future, just as every Jnani had a past. Its my firm belief that Jignasu's quest is never wasted.

A tribute to universal mother

2005-10-09T21:25:00.000-07:00

Oh ! Devi, Shiva is not even able to move without your shakti. Hari(vishnu), Hara(Shiva) and Virinchi (Brahma) cannot worship you and cannot create this universe without your blessings. So O Mother, If I who has not performed any meritorious deeds, is capable of saluting, and praising you it is indeed your grace!

Oh generator of words, this your hymn of praise, by your own words (is like) the performance of the oblation of lights with the flame of the lamp for the sun; the performance of oblation with drops of water (oozing from) the moon stone, for the moon (and) giving satisfaction to the ocean with his own waters.

First and last shlokas of Adi Shankara's soundarya lahari.

Source Links:
http://acharya.iitm.ac.in/mirrors/vv/literature/sankara/sankara.html (English Meaning)
http://sanskrit.gde.to/all_pdf/saundaryalahari.pdf (Devnagari Text)

Scriptures: What do they mean?

2005-10-07T07:58:00.000-07:00

Scriptures are a source of great inspiration and also of great enduring controversies. Many people have based their criticism of religion on the scriptures of that religion. What is the status of scriptures in hinduism? Are they something written in stone? or can they be 'adopted' to suit the society at the current times?

First of all, let me state two things that have been proved by many scholars (once I give the facts I can prove, then I can talk of my opinions!)
One, not all scriptures are equal. For example, all the scriptures are categorised into two classes : shruti and smriti. Of these, shurti(those which are handed down based on set metre, word order etc etc..in presence of a teacher and have an exact word order and intonation which cannot be modified under any circumstances..therefore upanishads(means one which is instructed by sitting close) belong to this category) are considered higher than smriti (one which are passed down based on recollections hence by implication, they could be modified according to the people reciting them). All upanishads and vedas belong to shrutis category. One of the most famous smritis is manu smriti..the book that lays rules for conduct of man.

Two, hinduism views dharma as being of three kinds. Sanatana dharma(one that is eternal and remains valid under all states of universe), Yuga dharma (One that is valid for that particular yiga or time period) and Kala dharma(one that is valid for the specific circumstances).
Whenever there is any conflict between the teachings/rules, sanatana dharma takes precedence over yuga dharma which overrides kala dharma. Further more, santana dharma is the smallest set and leaves a lot of specific things unanswered. Yuga dharma expands on them and kala dharma is still more expansive. See the logic here? Its kind of nucleus around which layers of definitions are added.

No, by discussing the dharma, Iam not digressing here..the scriptures are meant to be a guide to dharma therefore it is important to understand what shrutis and smritis address.
Shrutis address the sanatana dharma, whereas smritis deal with the issues of yuga and kala dharma.

Now when we look at the scriptures in this light, we can realise that we cannot criticise the whole of hinduism just because of some scriptures. Manusmriti for instance strongly advocates a caste based system and also discriminates heavily against women. Because it was told for someother time in history, we will be stupid to exactly follow all those things in the present society when we need different set of rules. But the teachings of upanishads (shrutis) still remain valid no matter where we are and what we become.

One of the other things that comes to my mind is the rule in some shastra(again a smriti) that forbids Brahmins(priestly class in the four class society of Manu) from going overseas! They say since ocean is an untouchable (I dont know where on earth this came from) a brahmin is not supposed to travel in ocean! But then, older texts extoll those very waters as the life giver and talked gloriously of people going overseas! I think this is an example of people subverting the shastras for their own mean purposes.

When dealing with smritis it is important to remember one other fact: Many medieval works used older sanskrit and superimposed their work on some older person in an older epic to derive authority. For all we know, some of the smritis might have been written much later than they claim to be!

After all this, these days I dont read any smritis. I just fall back upon my favourites...Upanishads. But wait a minute, does that mean we can junk all the smritis and start teaching shrutis to everyone? I dont think so...the process of gaining spiritual knowledge(Entirley different from becoming spiritual!!) I strongly believe, is like education we obtain. If you show differential equation to a third grade kid, all that he will see is a bunch of alphabets and some +,-,/ and = signs. But show the same thing to a XII class fellow, he will see a differential equation. Now show the same thing to a prof(I mean a good prof!) he will see a description of a physical system in that equation. Similar is the case with religious knowledge.

Hence, I feel it might not be prudent to talk about all the abstract concepts of shrutis (upanishads etc) with everyone you meet!! You might be given the look of a bewildered third grade kid who might think you have gone crazy!

On destiny and freedom of choice

2005-10-04T15:30:00.000-07:00

Often times I wonder:
Where do the freedom of choice in our actions and the inevitability of desitny meet? Can they be reconciled in any logical way?

I have friends who believed in destiny and would say everything is god's will. He will do whatever he wants....But even though Iam a strong believer in God I have very serious problems with this kind of thinking. I dont think being religious should mean being a fatalist or firm believer of inalterable destiny. I find this very simple that if we are responsible for our actions, then we must also be free to choose them in the first place.

In yoga Vashishta, sage Vashistha says this to Rama that ones actions and thinking alone are reponsible for what we will be in future...not the position of planets or anything like that. He gives an example of a baby who had been predicted by astrologers that he would become a great king. If left in the company of thieves, he will become a thief not a king; thereofore, what we become is in our hands not in position of planets or destiny. Our thoughts are the seeds of future action and actions are what we will be held responsible for... hence the importance of pure thought and action!

Further, I read this story in some issue of chandamama( I confess, I STILL like tinkle, chandamama and asterix) :
There was a guy who believed in shiva. He was a great devotee, and once there were floods in his village and everything was getting submerged. His neighbour comes and warns him that the village would soon be flooded, so it would be better to leave the village. To this, our friend replies, shiva will come and protect him. Soon, village is flooded and this man goes to the temple and climbs up and stays there. Few villagers who had a boat come on their way and look at this trapped man and ask him to come with them. Again, our man is supremely confident that shiva will protect him, so asks them to go away. Finally, the waters are about to submerge the temple too, and our man finds a log of wood coming his way. But still, confident that shiva will come, he lets it go. Soon, waters submerge the temple and he drowns.

After death, he goes to Shiva and questions him about his concern for his devotees. He starts of describing how devoted he was and how he trusted that shiva would protect him..and complains in the end that he died because Shiva didnt come to protect him. Shiva listens to all this patiently and says, " My son, I came to you as your neighbour, as the village folk and finally as the log of wood. You wouldn't accept my hand then what could I do? You call yourself a great devotee...but why have you forgotten that Iam there in all living and non living things and can approach you in any form I choose?"

Intellectual Masochism!

2005-10-03T08:07:00.000-07:00

While it took me very long time to realise that there is more in the world than I can possibly understand...I still venture into the research areas of my friends. I bother them with stupid questions...which many times get answered with a lot of patience. I really enjoy it sometimes when it sparks the curiosity and I think about it, but sometimes, well...!

I was in this class of abstract algebra...which I tried to audit and to my horror found that abstract things are good for me only if they have something to do with philosophy not maths!! But I endured half a semester of classes, tried my best to understand why A+B does not mean addition of A and B, but is could also be division of A with B or whatever it is... But I have blissfully forgotten everything that the prof tried to teach me...now A+B means A+B!

Sometimes I wonder..is it intellectual masochism??

The Hero

2005-09-29T13:32:00.000-07:00

( I read a story similar to this in a competition success review, think poster in 1992. I tried to get the original but couldn't..so here is my version of it!)

THE HERO

Long ago there were two lands :Land of bliss and land of despair. Between them was a mighty river with very strong swirling currents. The people in the land of despair always wanted to cross the river as they could see the prosperity on the other side of the river, but none dared to cross. A few dare devils who tried perished in the strong currents of the river.

One day, an ordinary young man in the land of despair decided to build a bridge across the river. People mocked him and his dear ones tried to persuade him to do otherwise. But he was firm, he loved his people more than his life. One day he set off with a long rope; tied an end to the bank of the river and jumped into the river. The currents were strong and he was trying his best to keep the course, and he was about to reach the other end when a hunter from the land of bliss shot an arrow at him mistaking him to be an struggling animal. The hunter wanted to put an end to the poor animal's misery. The hero tried his best, he remembered all his people and with a steel resolve swam across. With great difficulty reached the other end of the river and managed to tie the rope to a huge rock before being washed away in the currents of the river.

Few people in the land of despair saw this and they went back and told the people that the hero tied a rope across the river. Soon people assembled and preists came. They said hero was their saviour and procalimed that by praising him, people would be liberated of their miseries. There were temples built for the hero and festivals organised. Soon he was celebrated as a God.

Looking at all this from heaven, the soul of the hero lamented,'Oh my people! The rope is a bridge for you to cross into the land of bliss. I can only show you the path. Its upto you to walk on that and reach the other side. My death was nothing more than an simple accident'
But sadly the voice of hero was drowned in the festival drums
and the rope bridge lay there... unused.

Question
Understand
Educate
Surpass
Transcend

On attatchment and vedanta

2005-09-26T21:13:00.000-07:00

We all cherish good things in life...be they parents, siblings, friends, memories, experiences or anything we aspire to be. We have a certain liking for them and many times fiercely defend them too...How do we reconcile this with the apparently contradictory teachings of vedanta...which says be unattatched?

Do the vedas instruct us to renounce the world and sit in a forest and meditate? Do they mean we have to leave the world in front of us to seek some unseen god?

The answer is an unequivocal NO: infact Isavasopanishad begins with the verse...Ishavaasyamidam jagat(the God is present in everything of this and other worlds...) and further goes to say that we should enjoy the pleasures of this world without being attatched...as the wealth doesn't belong to anyone..

One of the Telugu poets, vemana said this in a padyam ( a short verse of a specific metre like shloka) : mother earth laughs at the fellow who claims the land, goddess of wealth laughs at miser and Yama(lord of death) laughs at the coward fleeing the battle field.

One of the prayers in sandhyavandana (dusk and dawn prayers) asks for blessings of the gods to live 100 seasons of spring, to have good health for 100 years and do the duty towards the society for 100 years.

But then look at the setting of Bhagavat gita..in the battle field. It was told to a warrior who was shying away from his duty and fighting because of his false attatchment to things that were temperory. He was told to be unattatched and fight his own step brothers!

Where do we go from here..vedanta seems to say in some place to be unattatched and in some others to enjoy life?

First of all... vedanta is a not devoid of life. It was not a topic that was discussed by some old men over a cup of afternoon tea. Someone ( I think it was swami vivekananda) once remarked that vedantic philosophy is not a retitrement plan, its an active persons guide.
It stresses that we are responsible, no one... not even the God can help us to realise the truth as it says you are that infinite bliss who has forgotten who he is. Struggle is inevitable..sooner or later; until we realise this..there can be no peace. And now that is a great power, but with power comes the responsibility..not only are we ever free, but we have to realise that ourselves...we cannot hold circumstances or God responsible for where we are, what we get..its our actions, or preudices that get us here. Like a highly chaotic system a small change in initial conditions can cause a huge difference at a later point in time.

How does vedanta address the issue of attatchment?
It says every attatchment is result of ignorance...why? attatchment means we identify with something..we identify some feeling be it happy feeling or a revulsion for some things we identify the feeling with the object. Whereas the feelings are really generated in us..The feelings are nothing but a reaction to a situation. Not the situation themselves.
One of the profound works, ashtavakra samhita, talks of the world and the attatchment as the rope being mistaken for a snake. Now as we analyse this, we can understand how the attatchment functions..Once we know that there is no snake then there is no fear of any sort(once we see the god in all things; there is no duality everything merges into one) but the fear generated from the imposition of the image of the snake on the rope is real (and hence once school contends that the feelings one experience as a result are real but the cause or the reason is not! That is what vishista advaita says(Iam not sure of this:) When we see something that is not there, then it is either a result of misunderstanding or ignorance..hence ignorance is at the root of all attatchment and suffering. But remember that image of snake had to be present from previous experiences in the mind and hence misunderstanding and ignorance is the root of all evils(again!). This does not mean snake does not exist..it is very real for the person mistaking it...just as the vedanta contends, we all find the world real! But once you see the rope, then the snake disappears and the duality of the world disappears and contradictions ceases to exist..this is moksha as I understand it. No amount of scripture reading or pious deeds can help in this quest. It has to do with the wisdom that transcends the limits of knowledge and ignorance! And that is the quest I would like to complete...How soon? I need to get back, I have a early morning meeting with my advisor!! :))

Sometimes it helps to explain terms!

2005-09-21T07:38:00.000-07:00

The blog name and the login name might be confusing to a lot of my friends so let me preempt any questions by a brief explaination...

About my login name : Atma_tripta is a a sanskrit phrase meaning someone who is content with himself, someone at peace with himself. Such a person doesnt seek to be someone, doesnt imitate anyone, lives a carefree life and is ever free...i.e moksha or nirvana. Everyone of us is full of joy..its a matter of realisation of that truth. Iam waiting for the day it will come to me!

Kahkim sounds like a korean name (naaah..I dont have a korean GF!) its actually a combination of two sanskrit words...Kah +kim they basically stand for kah==who and kim==what.
Its also inspired from vishnu sahasranama (1000 names of vishnu a hindu god) where it is said that when a devotee asks the question savah kah kim padamanutaamam( who or what is the ultimate bliss that is the object of all sacrifices and good deeds? then the reply booms back from the question itself as the syllable 'ka' which has a hidden meaning in hindu philosophy as being the syllable of beginning/creator...This implies(obviously Iam cutting short all the explainations here!) that the god is not somewhere sitting in heaven with big stick to punish us if we dont believe him... He will be a very poor god if he is pleased by praise and displeased by the lack of it....god is here in ourselves, our thought everything we can imagine...We are nothing but drops of water in an ocean!

Kah Kim (who ,what?) are the basic questions we all need to ask to understand ourselves better.
who are we? what are we? : The attempts to sincerely answer this question without fear will take anyone to the depth of philosophy where you will find yourself! Enjoy the journey!

Life's riddles

2005-09-19T16:58:00.000-07:00

Sometimes in life we are at cross roads, we need to make decisions; Often these decisions, once made alter our course of life. How do we react to these changes? Should we grieve at the loss? Should we feel elated and become arrogant? Should we sulk and be angry at others? Or should we choose to be happy and go ahead in life?
Yes we do not have a choice about the situations we get into, but thankfully we all have choice as to how we react to it: whether we choose to be happy or sad is really on us.
Its all in mind, whether we are happy or sad..we make the heaven or hell right here on earth. Until we realize this there can be no peace. Life is really a celebration.. an eternal festival of various colours, of different living and non living things, of different feelings, of different people, of different countries, of different moods and in the end of creator himself(or herself!!) .

I read this story long time back somewhere(Iam really bad at remembering the sources!) which really demonstrates how profound meaning can be found even in apparently small things in life!.

This little anecdote is about a japanese Zen master:
It was rainy season and the great master and his disciple were going to another monastry. It rained a lot on that day and as they approached a stream they saw this beautiful young woman struggling to keep her dress from getting dirty and staring at the dirty stream. She apparently didnt want her dress to get dirty but wanted to cross the stream.

The master stops and asks her if he could carry her across the stream...On hearing this, the disciple is red faced. How could a monk like his master touch a beautiful woman and carry her in his arms?? But he didn't say a word. The master carried the woman across the stream and left her there and went with his disciple on his way to manastry.

As they walked, the disciple grew restless. Still he didnt utter a word. He thought... how could his master carry a beautiful woman. They reached the monastry in the evening and after having food went to bed. The disciple was deeply troubled. He couldn't sleep. At midnight, he could no longer control his restlessness and barged into his masters room and asked him, "How could you carry that beautiful woman?"

To this the great zen master replied," I left her at the stream, are you still carrying her?"

Back again

2005-09-19T15:55:00.000-07:00

Its been a long time since I wrote my first blog...much of waters have flown and many things happened in my life. Both personal and professional. Yes passing prelims is a big issue and yet it seemed so easy in the end. Sometimes I wonder, whether I have lost that touch of humanness in me. I no longer feel extremely happy or sad. Everything is so disconnected that I almost look at my life like a spectator watching a play! But may be that is good as it comes with a realisation of life and Iam enjoying every moment of it.

Getting into a little thought experiment:
Imagine as if we were transported to the country of blind. How could we explain the difference between colours to those people? Infact this question is not just some silly imagination of mine.. The same concept applies to all our daily interactions...How do we explain the point to people who are 'blind' so to speak or who have closed their eyes? I feel it is just impossible unless the person himself tries and for that faith is required either in the person talking about it or the concept of colour itself.. Then this is what religion asks us..to have faith in god before we can experience god. And if we cannot experience god in everyday life then isnt it more meaningful to wonder whether we are spiritually blind? Isnt it plain arrogance to procalim that there is no god, knowing fully well how limited our intellectual capabilities are? I am deeply troubled by the very slight difference between rational thought and rationalising thought. Few recognise that rational thought says " The following statements are true within the given set of facts" while the ratioalising thought may delcare them as absolute truth! How different are they from the religious bigots who proclaim only their religion to be the truest one?

I recently read a TOI article. It was an interesting article about the difference between the knowledge and wisdom. It said that, blind men were sent to an elephant. Some declered it to be the trunk some thought it was like a log, while others compared it to a rope. These are different opinions as the vedas declare" ekam sat vipra bahuda vadanti" one is the truth, learned speak of it in many ways. While each one of them is correct, they are also false...Knowing these options is knowledge which we can get from scriptures, but seeing the entire elephant is wisdom which can be only obtained by the reflection of that knowledge.
And I really believe, there are no short cuts in this. Everyone has to struggle: like the little drops of water that have broken up from the ocean waves and fallen on a rock. They must go back ultimately to the water they came from..the infinite bliss they are part of...thats what their destiny is...until then there will be no peace.

This reminds me of an interesting anecdote I read about my boss Hanuman: Once it seems someone asked Rama in his court what was the relation between him and hanuman. To this Rama turns to Hanuman and asks him "Hanuma what is the relation between you and me?"
Hanuman says,
" When I consider myself as body rama, Iam your servant:
When I consider myself as mind, Iam jivatma(soul) and you are paramatma (god):
But when I see myself as atma, Iam you O Rama".

A humble beginning...

2005-09-19T15:41:00.001-07:00

Well I was till recently averse to the idea of writing blogs...I still feel that I dont need the cyberspace to vent my feelings. But oddly enough here Iam writing my first blog. .. I will start the blog with a very queer topic...Death...Today evening I was riding my bicylce and gazing at the stars while going through the almost empty Quad. The philosopher in me woke up and was becoming aware of the beautiful surroundings so full of life. What is life without death?, I thougth. Yes, what is the meaning to our lives if there is no death? Many people view the death as something opposite of life..but is it not true that the life is absence of death? so death is more fundamental... Yes I see I may be wrong here...there is something we don't quite understand about death that gives us the fear, which is born out of insecurity. We always try to control our lives, determine its course, struggle frantically at trivial things just to have a little more control over our lives. What is death but absence of any kind of communication? Its just that, death is a mystery because its a information blackhole: every bit of information can go in but we will never be able to say what it is like unless we die ourselves: but once dead we couldn't care less about the mortals on the other side who are afraid to cross the inevitible line. But if we learn to manage our fear, will we be able to conquer the death? And would a person who is not afraid of death not be afraid of anything else? I dont think the death is just about the fear there is something more to it, as Pascal once said,"man is equally incapable of seeing the nothingness he came from and the infinity in which he is engulfed" Sometimes it just strikes me how true his words are....What is the solution? or better still can there be a solution? but wait a minute..solution is to a problems not misconceptions or ignorance for which there is no easy way out except learning to discipline mind not to be distracted by the world, which in itself is tough..then there is this difficulty of overcoming our preconcieved notions, prejudices...which I can vouch for are harder to overcome than they actullay sound to be. At those horizons, knowledge meets the ignorance; unity meets diversity; and life meets death:Finally when the viel is off what do we see? thats for someother day!

(Originally posted on May 20, 2005)