Looking back to move forward...

This time of the year, almost everyone of us looks back and wonders how was the past year?
And looking back and pondering over things is one of my favourite past times too. So here Iam, as 2005 comes to an end and while waiting for the simulation to complete, thinking of the past year. How should I evaluate it? What should be the criteria to evaluate an year of life?
As a discovery channel ad said, "When was the last time you did something for the first time...Discover". Applying this criteria, yes new frontiers were explored, that I never thought existed and few new friends made. Few important lessons were learnt the hard way, yet in the end thats what mattered...lessons learnt. Progress was visible to others but things seemed to have stagnated to me. However, it was all not gloomy as the few things achieved do seem to give a confidence that I can do things I planned and challenge to set higher goals, while the failures urge me to conquer them . As the year ends, I can feel a kind of quite resolve emerging as the challenges invite me, and Rabindranath Tagore's song rings in my ear:
"Jodi tor dakshune keu naa aashe tobhi ekla chalo re..."
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Of penguins, families and life

Yesterday I watched a movie, rather a documentary: March of penguins. Thought overloaded with work, I decided to watch after a friends blog on the movie got me interested. One of the things that struck me was the incredible struggle that Emperor penguins undertake to raise their chicks. Travelling over 70 miles by foot they spend most of their time enduring harshest climate on earth. What explains it? Pure evolution? May be yes..but I see something more to it. Even though Iam not a biologist, I can safely say that there are two ways an organism responds to the threat for their new born. Organisms like fish, rabbits and sparrows(just an example to show the generalisation) produce a lot of off springs which have low probability of survival..either they bet on numbers. Others prefer having one or two off springs which are taken care of extremely well or they are raised in realtively inaccessible places from the predators. Examples include humans, eagles, whales, elephants and well after the movie penguins. Looking at their situation I couldnt imagine why they did not adopt the first approach, stay close to the sea and bet on numbers as many brids seem to do. Why they needed to stay hungry for over four months, trek back and forth to sea to get food while dodging sea lions and bear (seemingly) unneccesary pain. I definitely think life is more than just pure evolution and a desire to preserve genes through progeny.
One more observation was how important the roles of both male and female was in raising a offspring. I never believed men and women were equal, rather thought of them as two irreplacable parts of a circular jigsaw. Both have a role to play and that was really well highlighted to my surprise not just in humans but also in birds.
Finally after the movie a friend commented that there were many steps which the chicks had to meet death to which another friend remarked..its not different levels of death that they meet. For that just one would be sufficient. Its about different levels of life. True indeed.
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Conversations...

It was a tiring day and I was lying on the bed trying to study a paper and was already half asleep. It was one of those states where you know you are dreaming but you are wakeful enough to 'drive' the dream the way you like!
Then I thought I dreamt of god. I could just hear the voice and don't remember whether the voice was that of a male or female.
I wanted to ask for many things like a kid let loose in a supermarket store. He ( I will just use 'he' I dont really know whether what god is like) told me to go ahead and speak my mind to him and ask him what I wanted.
I started off...
" I also want a successful life, a lot of fame, money, luxury and every comfort a man can dream of". He asked,"Thats nothing,ask for something big", he told.
"I want to have a good and happy life" ,I said. He replied, " Is that all? How do you make your life happy?"
I realised the things I was asking would not make me happy unless...
So I asked him, "God , give me courage to withstand troubles, strength to bear every difficulty with a smile, innocence to be able to laugh at myself as easily as I laugh at others, compassion to emphatize with others, honesty to have no regrets later, ability to convincingly tell a few white lies, act angry if it can prevent others from being hurt, hope to perservere, pragmatism to survive, dreams to work towards, faith in truth.
Bless me so that no one leaves my home hungry, I never break the trust of people believing in me, give my best to every one who asks me for help, share my happiness with the world and bury my sorrows deep in heart, stand like a rock in the face of my difficulties and gentle as flower in difficulties of others. "
God said, "whatever you asked for deserves to be given, but you are missing is tha the duality exists in every thing. Good and bad things are all relative. What you may see as courage may be seen by others as foolishness, innocence branded as insensitivity, what you call white lies may be seen as plain lying, hope looked down upon as madness, pragmatism may be called ruthlessness, compassion as being too soft, dreams, well...just day dreams "
I thought for a long time and said, "There are so many good and bad things and I dont know what to ask. OK then, give me the strength and courage to rise above good and bad, transcend the duality to see the unity that pervades everything and be free."
God said,"you now begin to have an idea. You were never bound to be freed by someone else. The water drop becomes the ocean the moment it merges in the ocean. When the forms dissolve into the formless you will be beyond the confusions and will have an understanding that trancends the knowledge. Thats what you are seeking. Realise that"
I was jolted out of sleep by the sound of alarm, it was already 6.45am and had to rush to the meeting with my advisor.

Game theory, moksha, maximisation and a crazy grad. student

We all seek happiness. A simple question that often arose in me was, why? Why do we seek to be always happy? I think because it is in our nature to be happy and we seek it. Then what is it that prevents us from being happy all the time? If its our nature to be happy, why do we have to seek it? It was a hard question for me, never completely understood it.

It seems that the world has a more basic law than second law of thermodynamics(maximisation of entropy or loosely speaking disorder) that drives it : Maximisation of
happiness. It seems to work for every living thing and there are no contradictions know till date (IMHO).
Then how can this law explain selfish behaviour, which seems to bring a lot more misery to the world than the happiness?

Consider an interesting possibility, that is commonly examined in game thoery problems: Insufficient information (can we call it ignorance?)
If we impose maximisation of happiness law on the game thoery scenario where the prisoners do not have the clear picture of what the other prisoner will do, you have got the selfish behavior..As this is driven to maximize personal happiness, which is of course the best possible course to take if we do not have the big picture in mind. This is in striking resemblance to what vedanta says.. Ignorance is the cause of all miseries. If one does not have sufficient information/ understanding of the global happiness function then logically one tries to maximise it locally(personally!).

Maybe the people who understand the nature of the happiness can apply maximisation globally and become free from the local effects. Is it the moksha that a hindu desires or the nirvana that a buddhist seeks? Whats my choice of maximization? its definitely global. What is the form of function? Your guess is as good as mine!
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Questions

Jignasu asked:Many times people ask me what I want to be, and what would you say if I asked you the same?
Jnani: Why would you seek to be someone or something?
Jignasu: Of course to be happy to find peace and enjoy life.
Jnani: Then the more important question is, what/who are you? When you say you want to be something, you are seeking something thats not in you. How can a true yogi seek anything being everything and nothing at the same time. The knowledge of self will clear the clouds of doubt and you will never want to be; as you will know you are everything that you everwanted to be.
Ignorance of the self creates an illusion of separateness just as a lid would separate air inside from air outside. The knowedge of self removes that and creates an illusinory union. The air in the vessel belongs to the vessel as much as it does to the sky it is under. So, even the ignorance of self and quest for knowledge of self are manifestations of the same ignorance of the the oneness that pervades everything and beyond. One who has understood this will equally be at ease in a remote cave as well as inmidst of all the worldly concerns, yet will remain free spirit as always.

On failures...

Its not where you fell, but where you slipped that you should think about, says an old saying. Everyone of us have faced failures in life, some big, some small, and yet we live through them. No matter what, we endure all failures except the ones where we die. Even those may not be the end of the road. The point is, that failures as such may not be a big thing in themself than the attitude with which one deals with them. There is ofcourse no greater failure and misery than not trying. As someone said, it does not matter if you lose as long as you don't lose the lesson. And the chinese proverb captures the spirit of perserverance aptly, "stand up just one more time than you fall and you shall be through". Many a times situations may seem hopeless, nevertheless by pushing ourselves we may atleast show the way for others. As Gita says(2nd chapter), if dead you will enjoy the heaven, and if you win you will enjoy the earth..so why do you despair to fight on a righteous path? Beyond enjoying heaven or earth is the point that krishna makes in (11th chapter??) , the war will be fought with or without you, you are just an instrument in the divine hand. Claim not the victory or the failure as yours, for you are just an medium nothing more. This way, he says you can be free from all actions you do.
When one is unaffected by outcome of an action and only has a sense of duty towards doing it..how can a failure depress you or why would a success elate you? To such a person, playing with a small child may be as joyful as winning an award or surpassing a limit. Yet he/she would do the job with perfection and walk away from it without looking to possess either the creation, or the fame that comes from the accomplishment. One of the things that drives such a person is their level headedness in both sucess and failure.

Long time ago in one of the reflective moments these words flashed,
"Every success comes with the fear of failure and every failure with the hope of success".